Notes from Nicotine Hell

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Day 5

Put on patch. Feel depressed and edgy, sweating. Hands shaking while I read the paper, where tobacco company executives say nicotine isn't addictive. Buy a pacifier, pretending it's a cool rap toy, wondering why anyone expects morality from the people who plaster penis-faced camels all over the country.

Think of ten 70-year-old smokers still alive. Dinner with novelist friend Kathy, who chain-smokes in my face while saying she thinks it's great that I'm quitting. On the way home, try to buy a 25-cent loosie--loose cigarette--at local bodega but guy thinks I'm cigarette police. Take it as an omen. Try to think of one famous writer who doesn't drink or smoke.

Day 6

Put on patch. Do high-impact aerobics for three hours. Walk out of health club wanting cigarette. Stare at people smoking and wonder why they look so beautiful and happy. Think of money I'm saving from not smoking. Spend $46 on seven boxes of fat-free cookies, 27 cinnamon sticks, and three Lean Cuisines.

Snap rubber band around wrist 100 times. On stationary bike, watch Saturday Night Live, which quotes tobacco company execs saying that the victims of the 400,000 annual smoking-related deaths aren't really dead. Neighbor complains bike makes too much noise. Do serenity exercises. Picture sitting on a tropical beach, where I'm happily smoking.

Day 7

Put on patch. Have brunch with Peter, who says, while drinking six margaritas, that I've gained weight and need to learn more self-control. Make note to quit Peter. Read article about Bosnia and the only thing I notice is that soldier in picture is smoking. Eat more celery, fruit, salad. Polish off Oreos. Feel sick and bloated, dying for cigarette. Take off patch. Run outside.

Bum cigarette from homeless person. Puff slowly. Feel happy for the first time in six days. Stop coughing, calm down. Finish two articles. Go back outside, offer same guy two bucks for two more cigarettes. Smoke them quickly. Feel nauseated, dizzy. Bump into Vern and Andrea, who say, 'We were just coming by to say how proud we are that you haven't smoked in a week! Congratulations!'

Feel guilty, defeated. Drink bottle of wine by myself. Fall asleep on couch with clothes on.

Day 1

Wake up and put on nicotine patch to once and for all . . .

From: Funny Times (Oct. 1996). Subscriptions: $21/yr. (12 issues) available from box 18530, Cleveland Heights, OH 44118.

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