Are You Dysfunctional Enough To Be...

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CALCULATE YOUR ADVANCE IN ADVANCE!

This quiz will tell you if you're headed for Oprah and a hefty advance--or if you should hang on to that day job.

1.Why do you want to write a memoir?

a) I have great teeth and the camera worships me.

b) I want to make friends with my shadow, speak my truth, heal my childhood woundsóand get paid for it!

c) I want to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race.

2.What's your physical condition?

a) Dead, but available by e-mail.

b) Suffering from a terminal disease that was on last year's best-seller list.

c) Excellent, except for the occasional bout of toe cheese.

3.Where do you currently reside?

a) Death row.

b) A Vietnamese pig farm in Arkansas with my mother and father, who also happen to be my aunt and uncle.

c) The Upper West Side.

4.Which story do you think has the makings of a blockbuster?

a) The wrenching tale of a youth whose fiancee dies tragically in a slaughterhouse and ends up on some thoughtless stranger's dinner plate.

b) The heartfelt story of young woman who is molested by her Girl Scout troop leader, has a near-death experience while swimming with the dolphins, then gets a voice mail message from God instructing her to hold out for a three-book deal.

c) The erotic awakening of a sensitive young man from Baton Rouge who discovers during his freshman year at Yale that he's a heterosexual.

SCORING: Give yourself 100 points for every 'a' answer; 50 points for every 'b' answer; 0 points for every 'c' answer.

300-400 points: $1-3 million advance, advertising in People and Vanity Fair, 50-city book tour, guest appearances on Oprah and Good Morning, America.

100-300 points: Advance in the high four figures, advertising in Utne Reader, five-city bus tour of the Upper Midwest, guest appearance on Good Morning, Fargo!

0-100 points: A handwritten rejection letter from the editorial director of Narcissus praising your extraordinary literary gifts, which, unfortunately, 'do not meet the needs of today's competitive market.'

BONUS QUESTION. For an extra 100 points, match the blurb with the blurbmeister.

a) Deepak Chopra
b) Loni Anderson
c) Harold Brodkey1) 'This book changed my life.'
2) 'This book changed my life!'
3) 'THIS BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE!!!'

Cover Story section, September/October 1997.

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