The New Pleasure Principle

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To help people understand pleasure, Resnick divides it into eight "core" categories: primal (the feeling of floating and buoyancy); pain relief (being touched and soothed); elemental (the childlike joys of laughter, play, movement, and voice); mental (the fun of learning); emotional (the feeling of love); sensual (the five senses, plus a sixth "phantom" sense, or imagination); sexual (arousal, eroticism, orgasm); and spiritual (empathy, morality, and altruism). And she provides in her book specific exercises to develop awareness of each.

Her prescription is body-based and simple. Listen to a fly buzz. Float on your back. Tell a dream. Her number-one tip for falling and staying in love is ... breathe. Conscious breathing enhances relationships, she claims, because it allows us to let go in sweet surrender, rather than fighting or resisting ourselves or each other. From this perspective, working hard at a relationship may well be counterproductive.

Experiencing pleasure opens the body, releasing enormous energy, says Resnick. Ironically, this energy flow is often what scares us, causing us to tense up and shut down, because we're not used to it and don't know what to do with it. We can miss the healing power of great sex, for example, by wanting to release the energy as soon as we get turned on. Instead of focusing on the genitals, she advises allowing the excitement to build and circulate so that "it's something you feel in your heart. And in your big toes.

Understanding pleasure can not only improve personal relationships, according to Resnick, but also society at large. Repressing one's desire for pleasure was once considered virtuous, a sign of moral superiority. But she questions whether itÌs good to continue in that vein. "We have poor race relations, poor man-woman relations, whole segments of society that have problems with parents and institutions." she says.

"Could we do better if we enjoyed our relationships more, if people knew how to encourage and inspire themselves instead of being motivated by shame, guilt, and other negative emotions?"

Resnick doesn't advocate always giving in to immediate gratification--there can be pleasure in yearning--or covering over fear and anger, which, in realistic quantities, inform and protect us. But using negative means to pursue positive ends, she says, simply doesn't work "The secret to success in all things--business, creativity, art, relationships, family, spirituality--is to be relaxed during challenging times," she adds. "Don't hold yourself in, or brace yourself for what might go wrong."

And if you don't get it at first, don't worry. Even Resnick often has to remind herself to breathe.

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