Mean People Suck

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It's fine to love your enemies, but getting behind the wheel changes that. Kill, kill, kill! becomes the order of the day.

Crush the Suburbans, smash the vans, wreck the minivans, pulverize the pickups, bomb the four-wheel drives, squash the sport utility vehicles. Vaporize the 18-wheelers, atomize all trucks. Grenade mobile homes and trailers.

Take no prisoners.

Don't let them merge, speed up, close the gap. Cut them off at the pass. If not there, at the intersection.

Run the red light like the speed of light.

Cut, dodge, swerve. Weave in and out like a mad god. The road is yours. Your car is blessed. Inside, you are safe and sound, supreme. Let the bastards eat cake.

Read, shave, lather up, pluck your eyebrows, pick lipstick from your teeth, mascara away, pick your nose in oblivion. Pat yourself, pray, tilt the rearview mirror, fondle the tire tool, stroke the pistol, talk to your baby, plan your day, promise you'll never be late for work again, confess your infidelities to no one but yourself, whistle "Dixie," shoot the president, convert the corrupt, join the corrupt. Slaughter your enemies.

Forgive them, afterward.

Turn left headlong into traffic in the big city. Turn right slowly.

After all, it is your first time.

Meander, dawdle. Ease out at a snail's pace. Fake a fast getaway, then jam on the brakes. Panic in the streets.

Speed. Show the bastards how fast your machine will go. No one shall pass: not a teenager, not an old woman.

Show your evil eye.

Practice shooting the finger, flipping the world off. Learn how to give a cop car the finger without the cop's seeing but so you still have the satisfaction of flipping off a cop.

Jab the sky repeatedly.

More subtly, push your eyeglasses back up your nose with the digit. Drum on the dash, on the seat back, see that your foe knows what you're doing but doesn't know what to do about it. Have a finger come up one, two, three. Return a smile with a finger. For real kicks, a finger with a smile.

Burn rubber, make the tires squeal like a banshee, scream like a puma in the act.

Honking is exciting. As soon as the light looks like it's going to turn green, honk at the fool in front of you.

Honk wildly, no matter where.

Honking while you're stuck in the middle of a mile-long traffic jam is a different kind of exhilaration but with one possible drawback—honking in this instance may be hazardous to your health.

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