A Kid on the Side

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I’m convinced that if we just paid attention to the children who are already on the planet, we’d have our hands full. We all don’t need our own kids to nurture. There are so many opportunities to care for children in ways that are loving to them and respectful of our own skills.

PRINCESS JACKSON-SMITH

Not having had children has allowed me to arrange my life in a certain way, but if I care about my world then I still am responsible to society. I have the time, energy, and financial leeway that lots of parents don’t have, and I can share these with children in my community.

Children everywhere are in need of adult relationships beyond their parents, and those of us who are not parents should bring our influence and talents to bear. It can be as simple as just listening to a child.

My husband, Richard, and I have a friend who is 5 years old. His mother is a single parent who travels on her job, so he stays with us from time to time. What makes this arrangement workable is that we can decide when to have him and for how long. We adore having him and we miss him when we haven’t seen him for a while. But we know when his visits are going to happen and when they’re going to end, and we can plan for them as we would for any other activity.

We can see how tired his mother is, and we sometimes invite him over just to give her a respite. She says things like, "You can’t imagine how great it is just to have a peaceful bath." And I think, a bath is a luxury? I’d be crazed! I’m not made that way. I could probably handle motherhood the Jackie Kennedy way, where a nanny deals with the children most of the day, and Richard and I play and read and do other things that we like to do. For me, the joys of being a mother would not compensate for being tied down, always having to be alert, and the fact that the responsibility never ends. I’m 50, and I’m still my mother’s baby!

My brother is 40 and never married. Recently we discussed the possibility of his having children, and he does envision himself a father someday. I like to envision myself as Auntie Princess. It’ll be Christian Dior diapers all the way.

From Pride and Joy: The Lives and Passions of Women Without Children (Beyond Words, 1998).

Research assistance by Sanhita SinhaRoy and Kelly Harms.

Discuss this article in the Child-Free by Choice Topic in Cafe Utne's Culture conference: cafe.utne.com.

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