FRIENDSHIP SECTION The 19 kinds of friends -Jeremiah Creedon Just Friends -Pagan Kennedy, Ms. Only Reconnect -Jon Spayde Got time for friends? -Andy Steiner Discuss friendship in the Relationship forum in Café Utne's:cafe.utne.com

After Coleman, a colleague from my New York days, had died, I was reminiscing about him with his partner, Gary. "When Coleman was on his deathbed," Gary recalled, "he suddenly looked as if he were having a vision. I came close and asked him, What do you see? ‘I see my friends, all in a circle.’ What else? ‘Nothing else. Just my friends.’"That’s all the proof I needed of the transcendent power of friends. And yet, there they were, at the bottom of my to-do list: Call Tia. Call Max. E-mail David and Steve and Elaine. By the end of a day, it often seemed that I’d checked off everything except getting in touch with the people who may (or may not) attend my passing, all in a circle.Troubled and a bit saddened by this revelation, I mentioned it to my wife, Laurie. While Laurie has her own struggles nurturing friendships—and neither one of us buys the cheap argument that says women always "do relationships" better than men—she and her many friends have found a host of ways to honor and delight each other. As we talked, Laurie, too, voiced a desire to stay in closer contact with people she cares about. She had a few suggestions for me and then we put our heads together and came up with more ideas, some of which have turned out to be a great help in keeping our friendships vibrant, fun, and at the top of the to-do list.

"Being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own history. And a time to pick up the pieces when it’s all over." - Gloria Naylor

Laurie reminded me that while it’s fine to talk about something called "friendship," the idea is meaningless if you don’t acknowledge the absolute uniqueness of each of your friends. Listening deeply to what they say and responding from your heart is more important than any list of friendship-maintenance principles. Some friends require a lot of attention, and others may be uncomfortable with a flood of phone calls or visits. Recognizing and acknowledging these preferences plays a vital part in keeping connected with your friends.