Fire Your Inner Slave Driver

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Those who exploit guilt most effectively at work are often the bosses. They know that guilt is such an intolerable feeling that most of us would do just about anything to avoid it. A skilled manipulator can often get more time and work out of you without a word. Unspoken pressures are enough. The mere presence of a boss staying late is interpreted as a signal that it would be a good idea if you did, too.

It’s crucial to keep in mind that bosses have different stakes and responsibilities. And some workers may be aping the boss’s behavior because they have no life to go home to, or because they simply can’t help themselves. So all may not be what it appears to be after closing time. Hard work is a virtue, but it’s not always necessary to emulate your supervisors or colleagues—and not always healthy, either. Some of these freaks could cross the Sahara without a break for water.

An Australian clothes designer, Cristina, found that out in her first week working for a popular New York fashion retailer and catalog company. Operating under the taboo against asking when the office really closes, Cristina tried to keep up with her boss, who worked every day from nine to one—a.m. Cristina was lucky. As she neared the breaking point, her colleagues and a person from the human resources department intervened. They explained to her that her boss was a lunatic who spent most of her days chatting and only really started working after eight p.m. Cristina came to an agreement with her boss. “I work hard during the day, and my boss can see that,” she explains. Managers who run their own lives badly will do the same for yours. If you’ve been sucked into imitating such a boss and the routine is ruining your life, you need to speak up or change your behavior. If you do a good job at work, no boss worth working for is going to want you to become resentful or burned out.

The simple way to beat the cycle of manipulation is to stay out of it in the first place. Choose not to take the bait. Choice kills guilt. That said, it’s one thing to know that most work guilt is irrational, and quite another to control these habitual waves of angst. You’ll need to reprogram yourself to react differently. Here are some guidelines.

• Know the symptoms. Keep a log of when guilt crops up and what touches it off. Note the physical and emotional signs that accompany it. What’s your mental state?

• Identify the source. Note the origin of each event. Is it due to co-workers, company policies, understaffing, or unrealistic deadlines? If so, you can now focus on the illogical motives that drive the cycle of manipulation. On the other hand, if you suspect the guilt is self-inflicted, move on to the next step.

• Take the unreality test. If your guilt and resentment feel self-inflicted, examine the false beliefs that underlie them. Remember, the cause may not be anything you’ve actually done; it could be just a thought. Track down the underlying motives and fears that drive you to overcompensate at work. Don’t deny your guilt. Before you can overcome your irrational impulses you have to know them for what they are.

• Change the terms of guilt. Change the “shoulds” and “should nots” in your vocabulary to “I will” or “I won’t,” removing the sense of one way being “right” and another “wrong.” They’re simply choices you make with the best information you have at hand.

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