Our town newspaper?s police report is comedy, tragedy, sociology, poetry. It is my town, my species, me. Here are my summaries of some of the incidents it recounted this past year:

Spring

A man reports a message on his answering machine from a caller who threatened to defecate on his lawn if he was not paid $100 million. Police determine that the caller was drunk.

Man, age 33, calls police from hotel to report that his mother has sent a poisonous snake to his room to kill him. Officer arrives and finds man with cocaine and a woman not his wife. Man says he called the police by accident.

Newspaper runs erratum note: The bomb reported at the elementary school last week was actually a bong (?a water pipe commonly used for smoking marijuana,? the paper explains helpfully).

Tennis ball on Reece Road determined to be a tennis ball and not a bomb.

Man reports lock changed at house. Police report to scene and discover that the man wasn?t wearing his glasses and had been trying to open the door with his key upside down.

Doors of high school reported glued shut. Outhouse found on roof of school. Police suspect student prank.

Complaint: Manager of an apartment complex reports child going door to door in the complex asking residents ?What?s up?? Police do not locate the child.

Woman reports strange sounds coming from a nearby vehicle. Officers, suspecting an animal trapped inside, discover that the ?suspicious braying and whining? is a country music compact disc.

Squirrel reported ?intoxicated? on Cornell Street.

Summer

Woman ?spent 20 minutes talking dirty on the telephone before she realized the caller was not her boyfriend.? She contacted police to report the incident.

Charred Barbie doll found in chalk circle on State Street.

Seafood delivery truck smashes into light pole. Shrimp all over road.

Woman reports that someone broke into her house, used the hot tub, ate food, drank soda, used the boat, used the beds, used the towels, drank two cases of beer, and left behind the beer cans, some underwear, and three compact discs.

Man, age 22, seen clapping, barking, and making karate moves on Fifth Street. Officers contacted the man, who was practicing yoga while walking his dog.