In search of Erotic Intelligence

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Many therapists assume that the fantasy life that shapes a new relationship is a form of temporary insanity, destined to fade over a long-term partnership. But can sexual fantasy actually enhance the intimate reality of relationships? Clinicians often interpret the desire for sexual adventure -- ranging from simple flirting and contact with previous lovers to threesomes and fetishes -- as fear of commitment and infantile fantasy. Sexual fantasies about one's partner, particularly those that involve role-playing, dominance, and submission, are often viewed as signs of neurosis and immaturity, erotically tinged idealizations that blind one to a partner's true identity. Here's an example from a client I worked with (the name changed, of course):

Terry had been in therapy for a year, struggling with the transition from being half of an erotically charged couple to being one-quarter of a family with two children and no eroticism at all. He began one session with what he deemed a "real midlife story" that began when he and his wife hired a young German au pair. "Every morning she and I take care of my daughters together," he said. "She's lovely -- so natural, full of vitality and youth -- and I've developed this amazing crush on her. You know how I've been talking about this feeling of deadness? Well, her energy has awakened me. I want to sleep with her and I wonder why I don't. I'm scared to do it and scared not to."

I didn't lecture him about his "immature" wishes, or explore the emotional dynamics beneath this presumably "adolescent" desire. Instead, I tried to help him relish the awakening of his dormant senses without letting the momentary exhilaration endanger his marriage. I marveled with him at the allure and beauty of the fantasy, while also calling it just that: a fantasy.

"It's great to know you still can come to life like that," I said. "And you know that you can never compare this state of inebriation with life at home, because home is about something else. Home is safe. Here, you're on shaky ground. You like it, but you're also afraid that it can take you too far away from home. And you probably don't let your wife evoke such tremors in you."

A few days later, he was having lunch in a restaurant with his wife and she was telling him of her previous boyfriend. "I'd been thinking hard about what we talked about," he told me, "and at the table I had this switch. Normally, I don't like hearing these stories of hers -- they make me jealous and irritated. But this time I just listened and found myself getting very turned on. So did she. In fact, we were so excited we had to look for a bathroom where we could be alone."

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