Taking Children Seriously

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“If Jane's mother took Jane seriously and looked into why she doesn’t want to brush her teeth or sought alternative ways of preventing cavities, then Jane’s rational process of conjecture and refutation could continue unimpeded,” Abma says. “Jane’s confidence in her own innate rationality would be supported and encouraged by something as simple as getting a softer toothbrush.”

But what if Jane still doesn’t want to brush her teeth? TCS parents argue that a “common preference” can always be found that will allow both parties to be happy. Common preferences are not the same as compromises, which demand sacrifice on the part of both parties; they’re solutions that are better than the original plans and thus a source of happiness for all involved. Getting to them takes patience, creativity, and basic trust. It also demands that parents give up their “entrenched theories”—that junk food and television are evil, for instance. In the case of Jane and the toothbrushing, a common preference might be that she chew special teeth-cleaning gum, or gargle with mouthwash, or gnaw on the roots that some cultures without toothbrushes have used to clean teeth.

Parenting philosophies evolve, much as cultures do. Aristotle believed that children are basically like animals; they must be trained to see that certain behaviors are good for them. In early America, Puritans regarded children as inherently sinful. Being a good parent back then meant trying to break a child’s will in order to create a person who would be humble before God. In 18th-century France, Jean-Jacques Rousseau parted with the traditional Christian view of children as morally corrupt by advocating education that grants freedom to the child, even freedom from obedience. Children learn best, he believed, when they follow their own natural interests and abilities.

In a way, TCS is little more than Rousseau's approach taken to its logical extreme. Children are not only inherently good, they are inherently rational. In place of the “I'm the mommy, that's why” school of parenting, many modern parents believe that, whenever possible, a child should be helped to understand the reasons behind the rules. TCS takes this one step further. You may explain your theory of how the world works to your child, but you then must trust his or her own rational capacity to make a choice of how to behave.

The idea that children are headed for disaster if they are not carefully coerced is “hogwash,” writes Fitz-Claridge. “Noncoerced children do not have tantrums; they do not discount the wishes of their parents; they do not steal, lie, commit suicide, intentionally destroy other people's property, go out alone at 3 a.m. to play in the park, or drink bleach.” TCS followers paint a picture of children (and families) who are truly free to be themselves, children who are able to create their own happiness unhindered by the expectations and demands of others. Such children, they say, are compassionate and respectful of the rights of others because their own autonomy has never been questioned.

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