New Big Boom in Iraq - Jobs

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Last Thursday George Bush made a secret visit to Iraq to announce the launch of a new employment program to put the people of Iraq 'Back to Work.'

Under the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein, the 'Iraqi people did not have the opportunity to reach their potential', according to the U.S. president.? Here is a transcript of his speech to American troops:

'My fellow Americans, we realize that the major reason we are being attacked by the Iraqi people is not because we are an occupying force trying to steal their oil.? The real reason Iraqis are attacking us is that they have too much time on their hands.? That is to say, if they had to work 14 hours days they'd have no time or energy to be lobbing rockets at our troops.? That's why we are going to implement the 'Shock and Awe' Job Plan.

First, we will use a strategic Harvard model to determine job 'opportunities'.? This model worked well in South Central L.A., which looks a lot like the heavily bombed parts of Baghdad.

'Then we will provide training with highly skilled U.S. Marine Sergeants and Starbucks management.

'First up in the job field: more employment in pumping oil into U.S. tankers.? This highly paid job is the key to Iraqi reconstruction. They give us all of their oil and in return, we give them a blueprint of how to rebuild their country.? Then they borrow the money from us to rebuild.? It's been a highly successful model that has worked well for Argentina, Poland and Enron.

'There are so many other opportunities.? For example, you would think that the dozens of Saddam look-a-likes would be unemployable, but nothing could be further from the truth.? We have a plan.? Once they grow back their mustaches (and our intelligence says they all shaved) then they can get jobs in the new Saddam and Sons Horror Museum.? It's easy work.? All they have to do is stand around like statues and every now and then jump out at Iraqi visitors and scream, 'I'm back.'? Should be good for lots of laughs and, of course, there will be many jobs for ticket takers.

'Also, there is a great need for part-time people to clean the sand out of the fax machines in our tanks.?Since we'll be there for a long time, this is a job with a future.

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