November 22, 2009
UTNE READER

Flashing the FedEx Man

(Page 2 of 2)

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Much in the manner of a nuclear accident or an airliner crash, this catastrophe occurred because many systems failed sequentially: I had a newborn baby. All my pants had been vomited on or worse. The resulting laundry pile was insurmountable. I was wearing my husband's loose-fitting sweats. My normally independent daughter was tired and clingy. The baby fussed to be picked up.

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By the time the doorbell rang, the dominoes of disaster were already in motion. I scooped up the baby, opened the door, and attempted to sign for the package one-handed.

The FedEx guy smiled at my daughter. 'Hi there.'

At once terrified and delighted, she gripped my leg and cowered behind me. Had I tied the drawstring of my sweatpants? I couldn't be sure. I casually leaned against the door, applying extra pressure at my hip for security.

The FedEx man was not so easily dissuaded. He knelt down to toddler level. 'How do you like the big sister business so far?'

At this, my daughter held on tight and slid down my leg to sit on my foot. I was entirely without pants.

It's hard to say who was more aghast. The FedEx guy developed a sudden, fervent interest in our landscaping while I remarked favorably, and repeatedly, upon the weather. The nice thing about humiliation in the company of strangers is that the experience is transitory. However often I would replay this mortifying scene in my head, it was over as soon as I signed the clipboard, agreed to have a good day, and closed the door. Time passed. The Pavlovian urge to take cover at the sight of a Federal Express truck did not.

As a young associate on Wall Street, I once returned from the restroom to my post on a predominantly male trading desk with my dress tucked into my pantyhose. At my own wedding, I stage-whispered to my husband that I was not wearing underwear and was overheard by his 78-year-old grandmother. I thought I was a person who knew what it was like to be embarrassed. Then I became a mother.

From the parenting magazine Brain, Child (Fall 2003). Subscriptions: $18/yr. (4 issues) from Box 714, Lexington, VA 24450; www.brainchildmag.com

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