November 22, 2009
UTNE READER

Sleep Is Death Lite

(Page 2 of 2)

May / June 2004
Jeff Kay Crimewave 
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Don't even get me started on dreams. When somebody starts a sentence with, 'Oh man, I had the weirdest dream last night,' I head for the exit. Thank you for your desire to share, but the bizarre misfirings of your nocturnal brain waves frighten me. You say you were playing darts in a jockstrap with Willie Mays and Thomas Jefferson? Well, that's just excellent.

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My wife loves to sleep; she views it as a refuge. (She actually looks forward to it, which I find slightly insulting.) I'm just the opposite, of course. I put it off as long as possible, and curse its talent for robbing me of one-third of my precious life. When I finally give in to sleep's evil come-ons, it feels like defeat. Why, if I had had an extra seven or eight hours per day, I could rule the world. Or at least watch a shitload of television.

Throughout history, many visionaries have attempted to circumvent sleep, including Thomas Edison and Seinfeld Kramer, but, in general, we just accept it as a fact of life. What we need is something that will allow us to stay awake all the time. I seem to remember reading a piece on the Internet a while ago about a half-assed military experiment along those lines. I'd be interested in getting in on this deal-far way from the battlefield, of course. It would be like having your weeks Super-Sized.

In the meantime, though, I guess I have no choice but to play along and do my time atop the platform. I do so under protest, however; I want that to be noted.

From Crimewave (#15), an Ypsilanti, Michigan-based zine that is strange, quirky, and all over the place-but in a good way. Subscriptions: $12/3 issues from Box 980301, Ypsilanti, MI 48198; www.crimewaveusa.com

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