Do-It-Yourself Rituals

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In wealthy urban enclaves around the country, some non-Jewish families are even arranging 'faux mitzvahs' -- secular celebrations for their teenagers that parallel traditional bar and bat mitzvah celebrations. Typically, these ceremonies mark the passage from childhood to adulthood and recognize the young adult's deepening relationship with his or her Jewish faith. Often hugely expensive, faux mitzvahs include all the trappings of traditional mitzvahs without the spiritual dimension and the preparatory months of intense religious study. Some observers doubt the wisdom of appropriating the fun without the substance, but others see it as the result of an open society where traditions are seen, enjoyed, and borrowed from.

DIY rituals can be arranged to honor life transitions of all shapes and sizes, from traditional childbirth and marriage celebrations to divorce ceremonies. Gary Turner, a United Methodist, styled a liturgy for a divorce worship service (www.divorceinfo.com/garyturnerservice.htm) that is built around 'recognition and resurrection.' It is designed to remember the marriage and mourn its end. Using the traditional Methodist call-and-response liturgy, Turner in-vokes Old Testament fire, New Testament forgiveness, and an adapted communion service.

If you don't want to worry about divorce (or how to celebrate it), opt for a DIY marriage that is guaranteed to last: Marry yourself. In 1999, at age 37, Remi Rubel did just that. As she told the San Francisco-based magazine To-Do List, she chose a public ceremony. 'Weddings are public for a reason,' she said. 'Partners change when they make a public and lifetime commitment to each other, so I thought it must be the same with self-matrimony. A year later, when Rubel married her husband, she did not divorce herself. 'This is a marriage for a lifetime, no matter who else gets involved.'

There's no question that DIY rituals are contributing to and creating new cultural and personal histories. But, as rituals since the dawn of time have done, they are also bringing people together across social divisions, ages, genders, and ethnicities, and promoting solidarity -- even when that solidarity is created with wedding vows between one person and herself.

Laine Bergeson is editorial assistant at Utne.

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