Modern Lives, Sacred Hills

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We walk along a narrow dusty street lined with clay and brick pastel-colored homes. It has been 12 years since she last visited and 25 years since her family has seen her two sons. Without hesitation, we are welcomed into her old home and another piece of her past. "My mother passed away when I was 4, around 13 my father passed away," she tells me. "I lived here first 18 years of my life. My aunt brought me up and gave me a good education and good advice and put me through schools and dancing schools. But still I felt, I wish I have my mom and dad.

"When I go through my tough times, bad times, good times, I always think about God and my mom and dad. That is the soothing thing for my stress points. When I think about my health problems or financial problems, everything goes when you look at God, pictures, and your grandparents and everything. I feel soothing things for me all around."

It is hard for her to talk about these things. I can see my mother was really happy here, but the walls are filled with memories and emotion.

Seeing her here, I feel she is definitely from this place and in some ways maybe she's never left. The ease of laughter, her comfort with friends, the unspoken understandings between them -- she glides through India. She's one of these women, enforcers of the moral code that binds the Indian family system. Their patience, strength, and beliefs seem to hold their families together.

I decide to consult a swami before heading out on the last leg to Tirupati. I have lot of unanswered questions. I wait in his receiving hall, the walls lined with photos, deities, and garlands. The clock ticks, time stands still, and my mind races. Why am I here? What is it that I'm looking for? Who could possibly answer any of these questions? At this moment I can't imagine myself being any further away from anywhere I ever thought I would be.

I am told to begin with my questions.

I take a deep breath, try to suspend my cynicism, and begin.

"Swami-ji. Who am I?"

"Who am I, who am I? This is good question. Suppose anybody comes and asks you, who are you? You should not say I am an Indian, I am an American, I am Canadian, I am a Hindu, I am a Christian. First of all bravely you must say, I am a human being. If all the people on the earth can bravely say that they are human beings, having perfect humanity, then the whole earth becomes peaceful."

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