Soul-Mate Mania

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As the owner of one failed marriage and another that, despite its longevity (25 years in May), remains a puzzle, I don't pretend to have trod a path worth recommending to others. But I'm not prepared to give up on the idea of marriage (nor to embrace the idea of adultery as a medicinal antidote), an approach Kipnis seems to favor.

Nobody really wants to give up the adrenaline rush of new romance. We all aspire to our own version of a superrelationship that feeds our particular calculus of what marital bliss ought to produce. What may be missing in that equation, though, is a willingness to look beyond the ephemeral thrills of young love (and lust) to the infinitely deeper and more satisfying connections that allow lovers over the course of many years to become more complete and independent human beings -- even as they cement a bond that makes one from two.

"These are our days of wine and roses, when the mere prospect of seeing the face or hearing the voice of our beloved is capable of producing a thrill," write Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee in The New Couple (Harper SanFrancisco). "Nevertheless, the intoxication stage of relationship ends; it's supposed to end, as night replaces day, though few of us accept this fact."

Intoxication being what it is, I suspect there are not many of us who can say with any conviction that we've moved beyond the thrill-seeking phase. I certainly haven't. But I can, at least, begin to imagine what it might be like. And, more importantly, I know for certain who's coming with me.

Craig Cox is an Utne contributing editor.

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