Desperately Seeking Sweatpants

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Only in black did the obviousness problem go away. I am not bragging here: You could have put these pants on a praying mantis and he would have looked like John Dillinger, at least until a female chomped his head off.

Therein lies the dilemma: Do you or don’t you? Men always want women to see and approve of their packages: We want to believe that the peepee is important. (The history of male fashion is in large part the story of this delusion.) But do women?

Helpfully in this regard, as I jumped in and out of ill-fitting pants in my lululemon cubicle, I could hear my wife discussing the issue with women in the changing room lineup. Without exception, they were against having to look at the male genitals while exercising. Apparently at a party, in a pair of jeans, maybe. But when namaste is at issue, it’s nah, mister. “I don’t want to see anything,” I could hear a woman saying, “unless I’m at the ballet.” Peals of laughter ensued.

I had been in the changing room for 40 minutes when I finally tested Hot Yoga Shorts, which resembled a black bicycle short. They seemed modest enough. I stepped out. All eyes went to the, um, zone.

“Oh, those are nice,” my wife said. “I like that seam, across the backside.” I thought maybe I was onto, or at least into, something. Then she added: “Planet Ass wears those.”

Planet Ass, it turns out, is her yoga instructor. It seems women may not want to notice the package, but they do appreciate a nice butt. Especially if it’s not their husband’s.

Agh.

Ian Brown is a Toronto writer. Excerpted from Explore(July/Aug. 2007), Canada’s outdoor adventure magazine. Subscriptions: outside Canada $30 Canadian/yr. (6 issues), in Canada $20 from Box 30025 STN BRM B, Toronto, ON M7Y 2P7, Canada; www.explore-mag.com.

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