Portrait of the Artist as a Kindergartner
(Page 2 of 2)
January / February 2008
by William C. White, from Law & Politics
The drawing nearly gives me goose bumps. But something is missing. Then it occurs to me. Having observed my father doing his calisthenics, with his arms raised above his head, I realize the vital piece of verisimilitude that is needed. I search the stadium-like rows of crayons and locate the brown. I begin to apply hair to the underarms of our Lord. Now, at this point in my life, I don’t understand the concept that sometimes, in art as in life, less is more. I still firmly believe that more is better. And way more is way better.
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Thinking this detail will impress Miss O’Hara, I keep applying brown crayon. What was a shadow becomes a patch, and the patch grows into a bush, and, finally, there is a virtual beard descending from each armpit. Wow. Maybe I got carried away a little, but this is good stuff. I walk to the front of the class and proudly present Miss O’Hara with my waxy masterpiece. As she turns the piece over, she is effusive in her praise.
“Oh, Billy, that’s wonderf—”
Her comment is cut short as she absorbs the details of my creation.
Her eyes grow big and she bites her lip. She takes a deep breath. “Do you mind if we show this to someone?”
“Sure!” I say, fully expecting to receive an award for outstanding artistic achievement by a kindergartner with a crayon. As my classmates look on, I follow Miss O’Hara out into the hall and to the classroom next door. A tap on the open door instantly produces the eager, flat-topped Mr. Fisher.
“Well, hello!” he says, his eyes glued on Miss O’Hara.
“We have something we’d like you to see,” she says. “Billy, show Mr. Fisher your picture.” I hand it to him and patiently point out the details for his edification. “This is Jesus, and that is a cross, and . . .”
Mr. Fisher cuts me off, pointing at the armpit feature, and says, “Wow! Looks like Jesus needs a haircut!” He laughs like a hyena and looks to Miss O’Hara for approval. Miss O’Hara is not laughing.
She comes down to my level and says, “No, Billy, it’s good. Really good!” I’m not sure I believe what she’s saying. But as she takes me by the hand and leads me back down the hall to our classroom, I’m quite certain it really doesn’t matter.
William C. White is the author of All Seriousness Aside: Stories from the Back Page, available this spring from Mill City Press. Reprinted from Law & Politics (Aug.-Sept. 2007), an eclectic magazine that covers public policy with a wicked sense of humor. Subscriptions: $19.95/yr. (6 issues) from 220 S. Sixth St., Suite 500, Minneapolis, MN 55402; www.lawandpolitics.com.
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