Ageless Arousal: Despite what they say in those Viagra ads, sex is not a win-lose game

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Cynthia and Bill learned how to build comfort with touch, both inside and outside the bedroom, how to take turns being stimulated, how to make verbal requests, and how to “let their fingers do the talking.” They explored Cynthia’s patterns of receptivity and response. They created opportunities for Bill to “piggyback” his arousal on Cynthia’s, a totally new experience for him. Bill also had to learn that life wasn’t over when sex didn’t end with intercourse—that they could both be happy and comfortable with an erotic, nonintercourse scenario, sensual cuddling that ended in sleep, or a request for a rain check.

At first Bill disliked the idea of doing exercises that not only permitted but required him to lose his erection—to let it wax and wane—while he and Cynthia focused on pleasuring. But once the performance anxiety was removed, he grew to enjoy the playfulness of sex and learned not to panic if his erection “took a break.” Both Cynthia and Bill found the emphasis on giving each other pleasure a positive experience, which helped them feel like an intimate team again.

To achieve satisfying, mature sex, it’s vital that both partners understand that the quality of sex in a committed relationship is inherently variable. Sex is an interpersonal process, not an autonomous one, and is dependent upon all the emotional complexity and flux of any connection between two distinct personalities. Sex exhibits as many moods as the relationship itself.

Among healthy sexual couples, fewer than 50 percent of encounters are considered satisfying in the sense that both partners experience high levels of desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction. Even in satisfied couples, the quality of sex varies from experience to experience—from exceptional to downright lousy. The resilient couple can revel in the great times, take some pleasure from the mediocre times, and accept with equanimity the distinctly bad sex.

The challenge is to stop clinging to the “perfect intercourse” model and replace it with positive, realistic expectations of oneself, one’s partner, and one’s relationship.

Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy are clinical psychologists and coauthors of Men’s Sexual Health, among other books. Excerpted from Psychotherapy Networker(July-Aug. 2008); www.psychotherapynetworker.com.

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