Have you noticed? The whole fucking world is looking for a job right now, here in the midst of all this economic recovery (yeah, right). The worse the economy gets, the more everybody wants to grab his or her own special place as an insignificant cog in the economic machinery and realize that New American Dream: subsistence wages and a cheap apartment on a bus line.

The odds are ugly. Despite the fact that the media suddenly got bored with the whole subject (they, after all, have jobs... sort of), there are still 8 million people officially recognized as unemployed, and another 5 million that even the government considers underemployed. Taking into account the flawed methodology in gathering such statistics, throw in a few million more, then add all the disgruntled, dissatisfied employed folks desperately trying to network their way out of the dreadful jobs they've got. Add 'em up and whoa! you've got virtually 100 percent of the American workforce out there playing a nasty, cutthroat game of musical jobs.

We all know the most important qualifications: age, sex, race, religion, marital status, political affiliation, sexual orientation, credit rating, who you know and how you look. And never you mind the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. No one gives a shit what color your parachute is.

What the Job Ad Says	What It Means
Advancement opportunity	Shit job
Entry level	Really a shit job
No experience necessary	The mother of all shit jobs
Administrative assistant	Shit job with a title
Ground floor opportunity	Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Progressive company	Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
Team player	Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities
Upbeat personality	Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential	There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public relations	Receptionist
Professional appearance important	$20 K/year job that requires a $100 K/year wardrobe
Pleasant telephone manner	Be the voice of 1-900-SUCK
Earn up to $300/hour!	Be 1-900-SUCK
Salary range $24,000 to $32,000	The salary is $24,000
Jeans job!	Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions
Will train	Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem
B.A. required, master's preferred	Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary
Civil service	This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Women & minorities encouraged to apply	White males need not waste the stamp
Outstanding benefits package	Health insurance
Tons of variety!	We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one job
Top-notch communication skills	Telemarketing
Beautiful offices in attractive location	Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting
Secretary	Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker
Executive secretary	The most powerful position in any company
Dedicated	You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement
Salary commensurate	We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like
Salary negotiable	We'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive salary	We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job, and not one penny more
Competitive starting salary	Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant atmosphere	A staff of pod people
Professional atmosphere	Zombie pod people
Fun, creative atmosphere	Pod people from hell
Dynamic atmosphere	Zombie pod people from hell
Gal Friday	Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it
Self-starter	Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means