When people start speaking of reason as a 'defense,' I get nervous, considering where the irrational has taken us in this century. And, grateful as I am for Larry's willingness to help straighten out our problems, I can't help watching my tongue now in counseling sessions. I have a lingering suspicion that couples therapists train you to say not what you genuinely feel, but what is less confrontational, all the while telling you that they want you to be in touch with your feelings. They want you to make nice.

I suspect I will never be able to empathize with the panic and depression my wife sometimes feels -- for the simple reason that both terrify me too much. I grew up far too close to such emotions in my parents, and it took all my strength to distance myself from their debilitating pull so as to form a workable, reasonably cheerful self. Where does that leave the marriage? My wife still hungers for a more empathetic soul mate, while I am equally convinced that I am realistically offering something else that is of value. Call it an understanding of limits, based on the intractability of human nature and the intensely problematic -- not to say tragic -- dilemma of modern marriage.

Given my empathy-challenged situation, I am faced with the choice of trying to fake an empathy orgasm -- a distasteful proposition -- or waiting out my wife's rage, hoping that in the end she will come to accept my defects, as I hope and pray to accept hers. Forbearance, resignation, and stoicism still seem to me the only way to go. Someone once said, 'genius is a long patience.' I don't know about genius, but I would maintain that marriage is a long patience -- at least when you're committed to making the marriage last.Phillip Lopate is the author of Portrait of My Body and editor of Anchor Essay Annual. Adapted from Family Therapy Networker (Nov./Dec. 1997). Subscriptions: $24/yr. (6 issues) from 8528 Bradford Rd., Silver Spring, MD 20901.