November 22, 2009
UTNE READER

So you think you're a grown-up?

(Page 2 of 2)

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Brian P. Cleary Utne Reader 
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before you can even think about having your coffee. They are A. Apple Jacks

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B. Wheaties C. M?eslix. What'll it be?

A will run you minus 5. B is even money, and C is 5 on the plus side.

6. Is there a keg (dead or alive) in your place of residence?

If you have to think about it, take off 10. If you know the answer is affirmative, take off 5 and buy your

brewskis over the bar, at a club like the good lord intended. A 'no' is a wash.

7. Do you refer to Dana Carvey movies as 'classics'?

Same points as #6.

8. In the past three years have you: A. Painted your face for a sporting event?

B. Bungee jumped?

C. Sat in one of those teeny tiny chairs at a parent-teacher conference?

A and B will cost you 5. C earns you 10.

9. Do you carry jumper cables and a flashlight in your car?

It's plus or minus 5 points either way. Bonus question: How 'bout that little travel-pak of Kleenex? It's

worth a fiver.

10. Let's talk Tupperware.

If you've got three usable pieces--with matching lids--plus 10. No lids? Join the club.

ADD 'EM UP, FACTORING IN THE 100 YOU STARTED WITH.

If you scored: 140 points or more, you're a grown-up's grown-up. If Ward Cleaver and Donna Reed had a kid together, you'd be it. 110-140 points: You're what people used to refer to as 'solid.' If you were a dryer, you'd be a Maytag. You're Steady Eddie (or Steady Betty). Pat yourself on the back, hop in the minivan, and treat yourself to some soft-serve at the DQ. But remember--tomorrow's a work day!90-110 points: You can go either way--a virtual switch-hitter in the game of life. Dependable employee by day, channel-surfing, fast-food-eating, backward-ballcap-wearing zombie by night. 50-90 points: Not good. I'd let my daughters spend spring break at the Kennedy compound before I'd let them near you. A goldfish wouldn't survive a three-day weekend in your care. Do not--I repeat, do not--reproduce.Below 50 points: Your name is Larry and you live in your mother's basement.

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