The Urge to Hurt

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Many prison inmates are able to lie convincingly to themselves, to see themselves as basically good people who are innocent victims of an unfair and uncaring society. Sometimes it is very difficult to see ourselves as we truly are, and much easier to blame others for our actions. For years that is exactly what I did. I was angry at everyone except the person I should have been most angry with -- myself. It took years for that anger to subside and to begin to accept what I had become.

Not only did the Depo-Lupron free my mind, it also allowed my moral judgment to awaken, which gave me back something that I thought I had lost forever -- my humanity. Now that my mind was clear, I began to be aware of things I didn' t like about myself. I realized how weak and afraid I really was, and how I had allowed the monster in my mind to control me. I began to feel the terrible agony and distress that I had caused my victims, their families and friends, my own family. I also began to feel the awesome weight of responsibility for my actions. And finally, I felt the profound sense of guilt that surrounds my soul with dark, tormented clouds of self-hatred and remorse. All of which leaves me with a deep desire to make amends, which, under the present circumstances, seems all but impossible. Yet it is what I yearn for the most: reconciliation with the spirits of my victims, with their families and friends, with myself and my God. If this happens it will be the final -- and undoubtedly most difficult -- part of my transformation. If only science could create a drug to help me with this problem.

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