The Best Voicemail Greeting Ever

All of life's big questions in a single voicemail greeting.

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Hi. This is Amy. Please leave a message with your name, number, and the time you called; the nature of your call; a good time to get back to you; whether or not you screen; one argument for and one argument against call waiting; your PIN number, SAT scores, and sexual orientation; the name of a good contractor; whether you've ever taken anyone's cab and then later felt remorse; a recipe for a nice brisket; how often you get up at night to use the bathroom; the three people you admire least; what song on the radio compels you to turn the volume up and sing your happy head off ("Tempted" by Squeeze, every time); what you would say if I told you that not only was I for capital punishment, but that, for particularly heinous crimes, I advocate preceding death with very slow torture; if you wouldn't mind looking at a few pictures of my kids; if you wouldn't mind—and I know this may be pushing it—taking my kids overnight so I could get one good night's sleep; how old you were when you lost your virginity and if it was younger than, older than, or about what you thought it would be; if you can think of a way to better sum it all up than Kierkegaard with his simple paradox about having to live life forward but only understanding it backward; what memory makes you cringe with embarrassment; why the word underwear feels sophisticated compared to the silly-sounding underpants; how many monks you know on a first-name basis; whether you've ever gotten the giggles at a funeral; what it is you would hang over your bed in jail. And I'll call you back.