The Best Voicemail Greeting Ever

All of life's big questions in a single voicemail greeting.
by Amy Krouse Rosenthal
May/June 1998
Add to My MSN

Content Tools

Related Content

Mostly Utter Nonsense About Animals

If you know even a little bit about the natural world, you’ll find Aelian’s On the Nature of Animals...

James Lipton Urges Teens to “Ponder” Before Sending Gossipy Texts, Nude Photos

James Lipton and his magnificent beard star in a hilarious new series of PSAs encouraging teens to t...

The First Messages Ever Sent

Every new communication method is marked by the technology's first message sent. Colin Barras at the...

Alt Writer’s Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year? Novelist Douglas Coupland says bah humbug … 

Hi. This is Amy. Please leave a message with your name, number, and the time you called; the nature of your call; a good time to get back to you; whether or not you screen; one argument for and one argument against call waiting; your PIN number, SAT scores, and sexual orientation; the name of a good contractor; whether you've ever taken anyone's cab and then later felt remorse; a recipe for a nice brisket; how often you get up at night to use the bathroom; the three people you admire least; what song on the radio compels you to turn the volume up and sing your happy head off ("Tempted" by Squeeze, every time); what you would say if I told you that not only was I for capital punishment, but that, for particularly heinous crimes, I advocate preceding death with very slow torture; if you wouldn't mind looking at a few pictures of my kids; if you wouldn't mind—and I know this may be pushing it—taking my kids overnight so I could get one good night's sleep; how old you were when you lost your virginity and if it was younger than, older than, or about what you thought it would be; if you can think of a way to better sum it all up than Kierkegaard with his simple paradox about having to live life forward but only understanding it backward; what memory makes you cringe with embarrassment; why the word underwear feels sophisticated compared to the silly-sounding underpants; how many monks you know on a first-name basis; whether you've ever gotten the giggles at a funeral; what it is you would hang over your bed in jail. And I'll call you back.

Post a comment below.


1/26/2010 6:45:21 PM
i am SO using this. dont sue me.

Pay Now & Save $5!
First Name: *
Last Name: *
Address: *
City: *
State/Province: *
Zip/Postal Code:*
(* indicates a required item)
Canadian subs: 1 year, (includes postage & GST). Foreign subs: 1 year, . U.S. funds.
Canadian Subscribers - Click Here
Non US and Canadian Subscribers - Click Here

Want to gain a fresh perspective? Read stories that matter? Feel optimistic about the future? It's all here! Utne Reader offers provocative writing from diverse perspectives, insightful analysis of art and media, down-to-earth news and in-depth coverage of eye-opening issues that affect your life.

Save Even More Money By Paying NOW!

Pay now with a credit card and take advantage of our earth-friendly automatic renewal savings plan. You save an additional $5 and get 4 issues of Utne Reader for only $31.00 (USA only).

Or Bill Me Later and pay just $36 for 4 issues of Utne Reader!