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The Greatest Movies Ever Actually Suck

 by Bennett Gordon


Tags: Arts, reviews, internet, Amazon.com, Cynical C-Blog,

Great Movie Citizen KaneNo matter how great a book, film, or album is, there’s always someone on Amazon.com who’s willing to give it a bad review. The Cynical-C Blog has compiled some of the best one-star reviews into a section they call “You Can’t Please Everyone.”

Here are a few highlights:

Citizen Kane:
I saw this movie and just about puked in my lap because it was so terrible! Go see the Da Vinci Code instead. Tom Hanks is ten times the actor Orson “Fatty McFat” Welles ever was!

Wizard of Oz:
the wort movie ive ever seen .I mean they clorized once color tv came out and there special effects are lame ,the costumes are ugly the props are ugly so never buy this film!!!!

1984:
first of all its NOTHING like the future is probly going to turn out. second of all every one says the aurthor george orwell is so trippy and wierd but i think he’s just trying to cover up for the fact that HE CAN’T WRITE. please george do us all a faver and stop writing books.

Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl:
It was really really boring. Its about some girl and her life- who cares!?! It is a total girly-girl book. Too dull to even care. I couldnt even pay attention to what happened to her, why it was so awful. Oh Well, NEXT…

The Odyssey:
This book sucks. I dont care if Homer was blind or not this book is like 900 pages too long. I could tell this story in about 10 pages. Homer taking all long to say stupid stuff.

Spinal Tap:
People, whatever you do, don’t buy this trash! Just wait until Limp Bizkit (the greatest band ever!) makes a documentary on their wild and crazy and cool antics! It’s sure to put this to shame!

Abby Road:
This is more music for druggies. The Beatles should be ashamed to put out this album. I saw Paul Mcartney live last year and he was better than this album, and the other Beatles weren’t even there. But the stage show was boring, there where no pyrotecnics or girls. When I saw Motley Crew during there Dr. Feelgood tour they at least had Fireballs and dancing girls. Plus Mick Mars destroys George Harryson on guitar!

Source: Cynical-C Blog 

pb
6/6/2009 12:01:36 AM

Actually, I was shocked by most of their remarks when I left the comment. I wasn't shocked by their distaste for whatever movie but rather by the lack of thought they put into their opinion. I mean, honestly now, does this show thought: "1984: first of all its NOTHING like the future is probly going to turn out. second of all every one says the aurthor george orwell is so trippy and wierd but i think he’s just trying to cover up for the fact that HE CAN’T WRITE. please george do us all a faver and stop writing books." Ignoring the poor spelling and grammar because neither count for much in the value of an opinion, what in this remark shows any thought? Anyone who ever read this book knows that it was not intended to be a forecast but rather a warning. I agree that having open forums is a great thing for democracy and community. I do wish however that people would take a moment and think a little before writing.


sean c.
6/5/2009 2:29:10 PM

I think it is really important for people to see this for a couple of reasons. People often tend to agree with each other and it is hard for an individual to have their own opinion when almost the entire rest of the population would disagree with them. For instance, Citizen Kane is considered AFI's best movie of all time, and for that among other reason, everyone feels that they have to agree. Although I find the comments above unorganized, not insightful, and in some cases offensive, I cannot help but think that there is some intellect out there that hated the Godfather movies and never had the jewels to say so, for fear of other's retribution. Someone in another comment above said that all of these things are art and only individuals can appreciate it for themselves, which is completely correct. Who's to decide what movies, songs, paintings, whatever are to be the greatest? Maybe for themselves of course, but a whole it is impossible. So therefor I applaud the people who went against the grain and decided that they simply do not agree.


pb
6/4/2009 7:03:06 PM

Comments such as these make me wonder if I somehow died without noticing and landed in some sort of purgatory universe. Of course, I was already wondering that after Ronnie Reagan defeated Carter then Dubya and his "Born Again" Nazis got in then redefined torture, economic policy, and pretty much most of the Constitution and well, yeah. Can we not send the mentally challenged to some Central Processing Hell and tidy up Purgatory for the rest of us poor souls?


shelby
6/4/2009 2:53:03 PM

Movies, music, etc. are considered art. Art is very personal. I don't think that any ONE individual can determine what is so called crap and the worst EVER or whether it is the best. Individuals who do so come across as egotistical.


shelby
6/4/2009 2:51:55 PM

Movies, music, etc. are considered art. Art is very personal. I don't think that any ONE individual can determine what is so called crap and the worst EVER or whether it is the best. Individuals who do so come across as egotistical.


tom hendricks
6/2/2009 12:39:12 PM

Mainstream reviews have become corporate art ads and the bulk of artists are never reviewed. Reviews from non professionals too often come off like these examples. What's needed is something in between - professional reviewers that review without ad pressure. Part of the art revolution going on now.


wendy c.
6/2/2009 9:51:14 AM

*snicker*


kellyc_1
6/2/2009 9:50:04 AM

Oops, Douglas, I think you missed the top paragraph. The reviews were taken from users on Amazon. And, yes, they were apparently hand-picked for their awfulness! ; )


douglas waltz
6/2/2009 9:37:22 AM

Okay, is this supposed to be a joke? And even if it is, have you people never heard of a spell check? I actually thought that a zine like Utne Reader would be a bit more professional that this piece of crap. Sad.