Advice column by Tim White, PhD, LPC, NCC.
Tim White, PhD, LPC, NCC offers advice on family planning and parenting, LGBT issues, disability issues, education and work issues, relationships, ethics and "unusual" social issues. Send questions to Tim for future columns through his website.
I am a girl, 24 who has always been a good girl and I even waited to have sex until I was married to my sexy husband one year ago. Since then, the sex has been nearly constant after I graduated college last year and went to work. We have some kind of sex literally every day, even if it is just a quickie at lunch and several times a day on our days off. We have also gotten adventurous and do it in cars in parking lots, elevators, dressing rooms, outside, and countless other places. The more risky, the more exciting it is for us both! We have also explored various kinks. We made a deal that no fantasy is off limits, and when I was a repressed teenager one of my favorite fantasies was to do it in my parents’ bed. We will be at their house for the Christmas and they will probably leave to run errands and see friends, so I was to sneak in a session in their bed. There may be other relatives there, but we can be quiet. My husband thinks it is disrespectful, but I think he is being a prude! I think he should relax and enjoy it, the way he has in so many other forbidden places.
Also, thanks for the great column and Merry Christmas! — Yule Libido
A Merry Christmas to you and yours as well, but it sounds like things cannot get much merrier for you, unless a plan is in the works for you and the hubby to quit your jobs and devote yourselves to full-time sex. I know most of us who have read your letter are either red from embarrassment or green from pure envy, so you have achieved the perfectly holiday reader palette. Even though you have decked the halls, countertops, back seats and countless other surfaces with your carnal presence, you have a naughty fantasy involving your parents’ bed that does not have a fa-la-la-la-lot of appeal to your husband.
Remember, hubby is a generally open-minded man who has no issues with getting it on in parking lots, retail establishments, and probably waiting rooms, restaurants and inside that city block-sized temple of seasonal fruitcake ingredients in any supermarket right now with minimal encouragement, but even he has a naughty limit. He is uncomfortable with living out your fantasy in question, one that is not uncommon but may arguably feel like impropriety to a son-in-law. You are no longer a teenager, so it may not be as fulfilling as keeping a secret, unfulfilled desire. Given your level connubial bliss, not much else is likely to ever go unfulfilled. You can afford to let this one go for your partner’s comfort, and maybe both of you can indulge yourselves with a full night’s sleep.
Haggard for the Holidays
I’m a female college student in my late 20’s in the New York City area. I have a boyfriend and we have to go to his parents’ house upstate for Christmas Eve and celebrate Christmas, then drive through the night to get to my Mom’s house where we celebrate and then travel another 60 miles to go to my grandmother’s to eat dinner, then we have to leave straight from there to get to my father’s house in Jersey by late afternoon where a lot of his side of the family will be coming to meet and play games and visit, but it is crazy and we have been doing this for three years, jamming presents into the car where stuff gets broken and food gets spilled, etc. We’re always late to somebody’s house and then everyone waits for us even though we tell them not to, and of course they’re unhappy with us. How can we make everyone happy and have a Christmas that’s not a stressed-out mess? — Haggard for the Holidays
Part of adulthood is embracing change. I am sure you have already learned that. Another part is learning to say “no” and be assertive without guilt. If the distance cannot afford you a stop to sit down for coffee or even a restroom break or leg stretch, it is too far and it can wait until tomorrow or next week or next month. We must schedule according to our human capacities, and not be unrealistic about holiday get-togethers. If drama ensues when the social schedule gets tight, someone must be bumped and you and the gifts will be just as appreciated, the cocoa or eggnog just as comforting on another day. Remind any relatives who fuss over this solution that you want to have quality time with each of them, not collect speeding tickets while you carry out a succession of obligatory drive-by drops. If any are still fussy, put them in the last manageable time slot available.
How are we supposed to know what to say during the holiday season to people who may be of other persuasions? If I can’t say Christmas, do I just guess about Hanukkah or Kwanza, etc.? Happy Holidays seems just as offensive since it is so generic and excludes all of them. I don’t want to offend anyone and assume they are something else, and if they say their thing can I say my thing back or do I say their thing? This is too stress-inducing for what is supposed to be a holiday, please advise! — Greetings Grinch
Hi Greetings Grinch,
My gift to you is a three-sentence solution. No matter which greeting you give or receive: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Winter Solstice, Krampusnacht, or even Festivus, only one reply is necessary. “Thanks, you too.”
Editor’s Note: The opinions offered in this blog are the author's alone. Tim White, and any experts he may consult and/or quote in responses to letters, will never provide medical or psychological advice, diagnoses, treatment, or counseling of any kind. General advice, opinions, and suggestions may be offered with no obligation on the part of readers to accept or act upon the content published within this column. Anyone in immediate crisis and/or mental/physical distress should call 911 or related resources of assistance.
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