The Tao of War Photography

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12. On the flipside of #11: many of the people who have actually suffered through such hardships show the greatest faith I’ve ever encountered on the planet. Go figure.

13. If some natural phenomenon occurs with almost supernatural timing and saves your ass from almost certain death, and you’re told that Allah just intervened, believe it.

14. Are you rabidly devoted to saving all of the world’s wildlife? Would you be enraged if you saw a guerrilla soldier blow a monkey out of a tree with an M-16? Bugger off. After weeks of living on the run in the jungle, eating nothing but rice, that goddamn barbecued monkey leg tasted like filet mignon.

15. Lenses, rocks and Pakistani border police make a bad mix. People ask me: “Why did he smash your lens on that rock?” Answer: the same reason a dog licks his balls—because he can.

16. The Serbs will shell a hotel that they know is occupied only by journalists. This is proof that the Serbs have done at least one thing that the rest of the world can understand.

17. Study and understand the different types of weapon systems—once they spring off the printed page and are actually firing at you and exploding around you, you will wish that you had devoted more effort to that study.

18. If you don’t understand the entire concept of indirect fire, do not go to a war zone. If you only remember one thing from this article, let this be it.

19. Make sure you can count (remember, we’re talking photographers here). If the multiple-tube rocket launcher that’s firing at your position goes “fffwuupppp” six times in a row, please count six explosions around you before poking your head back up.

20. Understand what it means when the opposing side is “walking in” their artillery. If you’re capable of drawing a line from Point A (the artillery) to Point B (you) on a piece of graph paper, you can figure this one out.

21. Don’t be too “macho” to take cover. Forget about Robert Duvall in “Apocalypse Now.” If you do this and you’re not a movie star, prepare to eat hot metal.

22. Dead photographers don’t take any more good pictures, and your agent and relatives will be the only ones to profit from the sudden interest in your old stuff.

23. You know you’re in trouble when the new head of your once-reputable agency sends out a form letter asking his photographers to shoot “quirky Americana” stories.

24. Amoebic dysentery really, truly sucks.

25. No matter how good you think you are at “holding it,” amoebic dysentery always wins.

26. Never wear shorts when afflicted with amoebic dysentery. At least with long pants on, no one will see that telltale bright red trickle running down your leg until it hits your shoes.

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