The Tao of War Photography

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27. While on the subject of shorts, also never wear them when you are riding an Asian elephant: between murderous razor-blade hair and the infernal cloud of biting flies constantly swarming the poor beast, you will think you’re in one of Dante’s Circles of Hell.

28. Actually, there’s no room for you and an elephant in any of the Circles of Hell, because they’re all filled with magazine editors—who get to spend Eternity attempting to lay out Gene Smith’s Pittsburgh essay to his complete and utter satisfaction.

29. Afghan horses have absolutely no feeling in their mouths; reins and bits are for decorative purposes only. Most of the U.S.-supplied Stinger missiles were used to get these creatures to stop.

30. You will see the exact same wretched mongrel dog in every third world country you visit. After a while you will come to believe that it has a passport and is following you from country to country.

31. Huge, menacing rats like to perch upon sleeping photographers’ faces at 3 a.m in seedy hotels in warring portions of the former Soviet Union.

32. Drug lords throw amazing parties—somewhere there exists a jungle videotape of me and one of Khun Sa’s top aides (on a stage and backed by a fully electrified band) attempting to entertain 500 Maung Tai Army soldiers with an extremely drunken rendition of “Hotel California”.

33. There are some really nasty regimes who won’t let you into their country, and then have the nerve to get really pissed when they discover that you’ve entered illegally.

34. Regimes like #33 will send out troops specifically to get you, should your unwelcome, sorry-ass presence be detected. Equation: 600 government soldiers in a pincer movement equals you following the old Taco Bell maxim “Make a run for the border.”

35. Boats sometimes capsize during the monsoon, especially if they are already overloaded with heavily-armed guerrilla soldiers. Camera bags that are heavier on one side sink exactly like the Titanic in that dreadful James Cameron flick.

36. If the scenario from #35 should occur and your film is double-bagged in heavy-duty freezer bags, it may very well ride the waves long enough for you to swim out and rescue it.

37. Forget the Clintonian “It’s the economy, stupid”—your mantra should be “It’s the film, stupid.” Without it all you’ve got is another bullshit fish story to tell your agent or client.

38. Under certain miserable conditions, film emulsion can actually turn to goo inside your camera and create a stuck-together traffic jam. It’s always your “best” roll, too.

39. Besides the various and sundry wraths of God, there are any number of really mean people worldwide just waiting to confiscate, steal or destroy your film. They and airport X-ray machines are the true stuff of nightmares.

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