Forever Young

Ten discreet tips for aging swingers

| July-August 1995

I recently went to a party in New York given by Peter Beard, the socialite photographer who discovered Iman. Along with the usual assortment of supermodels and rock stars were a surprising number of old friends I hadn’t seen for years. We started comparing notes and soon discovered we had various things in common: We were all going bald, we were all running to fat, and we all had girlfriends under 24. (Come to think of it, we didn’t need to compare notes to establish the first and second of these facts.)

I’m 31 and these friends were about the same age, so perhaps we’re all suffering from a premature midlife crisis. But in spite of our advancing years and receding hairlines, we have no desire to settle down, and we devised a list of handy tips for those who wish to continue to sow their wild oats well into their thirties and forties.

1. Perhaps the best-kept secret of the oldest swingers in town is that the most effective way to get rid of those telltale bags under the eyes is Preparation H. A dab of this miracle cream will do more than any amount of exercise and healthy living to rejuvenate a tired-looking face. I was let in on this secret by a young model; my friend Julian was tipped the wink by a television reporter for ABC News.

2. The golden rule about hair loss is to steer well clear of miracle cures but to spend a small fortune on cosmetics. A basic thickener is essential: At the moment I’m using Amite Thick Fixx, a combination thickener and gel, but in the past I’ve found Paul Mitchell Thickening Spray to be very reliable. Keeping your hair short is advisable for anyone who wants to avoid what is known in my set as “the Salman Rushdie effect.” My friend Sam has shaved his head completely, a solution that has the disadvantage of being very high maintenance and sexually attractive only to German girls.

3. Keeping fit, while a colossal bore, is de rigueur if you intend to keep up with your twentysomething girlfriends, and not just in bed. Three trips to the gym per week will cut your hangover recovery time in half and reduce your propensity to break out in a shirt-drenching sweat after 30 seconds on the dance floor. Having inflated biceps also discourages young swordsmen from relieving you of your women.

4. Raves are generally to be avoided, if only for the poor toilet facilities, which make it difficult to inspect one’s nasal hair for any rogue growth. Moreover, a T-shirt does not show off one’s thirtysomething girth to best effect.

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