We are offering unique opportunity for social media-savvy professionals aged 16-24. We think you’d be a perfect fit for our startup.
There are so many reasons why you’d love it here. First off, we have flexible work hours. We call it flexi-time. We truly don’t care what time you start. No one is here with a stopwatch to see what time you show up. If you’re an early riser, that’s great, come in early. Prefer to sleep in? That’s fine too. As long as you work eleven hours a day, we don’t care when you get here.
Let’s see, what else? Oh yes. Two words: standing chairs.
It’s true. We have them. The prototype design from Herman Miller. Sitting is the new smoking, everyone knows that. It’s terrible for your body to sit all day at a desk. Slouching and scrunching up your internal organs will kill you. Our standing chairs get rid of that problem, allowing you to support yourself with your feet and legs while remaining immobilized within a hardened plastic frame.
Speaking of sitting and standing, you know bean bag chairs? They’re kind of a startup cliché, right? Well, we have an entire bean bag lounge, with a bean bag couch, bean bag coffee table, and a manual bean bag espresso machine manned by a bean bag barista. The barista takes orders in seven languages and possesses a tortured, mute sentience.
By the way, do you like craft beer? Well, guess what? We own an entire craft brewery. It’s won multiple international awards for its hop-forward beers and smart packaging. You do have to pay full price for our craft beer, but the brewery is just around the corner and the hours are really good. Be sure to rinse your growlers well before you get them refilled, or the beer will taste like sodium pentothal.
I should talk about our corporate culture. Let me tell you, it is really, really great. It’s true that our Corporate Culture Manifesto forbids employees from partaking in any outside cultural activities, but that’s only because our internal corporate culture makes up for it. We believe in inclusion, equality, active participation, innovation, and mandatory tattoos of our company logo. After receiving lots of feedback and several class-action lawsuits, we no longer require our logo tattoos to be located on your face or neck.
Do you have a beard? Beards identify free-thinking individualists and people who know how to hang loose. That’s why beards are mandatory. We supply a steroid that encourages hair growth.
Have you heard anything about our management style? It’s been written about in several business magazines and BDSM blogs. We’ve researched the subject thoroughly and found that middle managers are vital to employee performance. Good managers are able to motivate their teams, resulting in more efficient, effective, and satisfied employees. If you were to join our startup, your manager would be an 11-year-old named Mikey. He loves cereal and wrestling. He’s a lot of fun, and a hell of a storyteller, let me tell you. And he has a mean right hook.
Our four-dimensional performance review process is the envy of the startup world. Once a year, you are placed in a three-dimensional glass cube and stared at by other employees until you shame-cry yourself into an egoless shell. We compare your time with others at your pay grade and whoever lasts longest gets a plaque and a bean bag stress ball.
That’s just a small taste of the many reasons why I think you should join our startup. If you’re interested, send a cover letter, resume, and cheek swab to the following anonymous PO box.
Ryan Abbott is a writer based in Vancouver, Canada. Read more of his writing at Articles of Association. Reprinted from The Syrup Trap (September 16, 2015), a Canadian magazine/website of satire and humor.