The Startup World: Why You Should Join Our Startup

A satirical and sardonic look at the startup world.

| Winter 2015

  • Help Clips
    “Our four-dimensional performance review process is the envy of the startup world. Once a year, you are placed in a three-dimensional glass cube and stared at by other employees until you shame-cry yourself into an egoless shell.”
    Photo by Flickr/Banspy

  • Help Clips

We are offering unique opportunity for social media-savvy professionals aged 16-24. We think you’d be a perfect fit for our startup.

There are so many reasons why you’d love it here. First off, we have flexible work hours. We call it flexi-time. We truly don’t care what time you start. No one is here with a stopwatch to see what time you show up. If you’re an early riser, that’s great, come in early. Prefer to sleep in? That’s fine too. As long as you work eleven hours a day, we don’t care when you get here.

Let’s see, what else? Oh yes. Two words: standing chairs.

It’s true. We have them. The prototype design from Herman Miller. Sitting is the new smoking, everyone knows that. It’s terrible for your body to sit all day at a desk. Slouching and scrunching up your internal organs will kill you. Our standing chairs get rid of that problem, allowing you to support yourself with your feet and legs while remaining immobilized within a hardened plastic frame.

Speaking of sitting and standing, you know bean bag chairs? They’re kind of a startup cliché, right? Well, we have an entire bean bag lounge, with a bean bag couch, bean bag coffee table, and a manual bean bag espresso machine manned by a bean bag barista. The barista takes orders in seven languages and possesses a tortured, mute sentience.

By the way, do you like craft beer? Well, guess what? We own an entire craft brewery. It’s won multiple international awards for its hop-forward beers and smart packaging. You do have to pay full price for our craft beer, but the brewery is just around the corner and the hours are really good. Be sure to rinse your growlers well before you get them refilled, or the beer will taste like sodium pentothal.

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