A Year in the Life of Lake Oswego, Oregon

According to the police blotter

| May / June 2003

Our town newspaper?s police report is comedy, tragedy, sociology, poetry. It is my town, my species, me. Here are my summaries of some of the incidents it recounted this past year:


A man reports a message on his answering machine from a caller who threatened to defecate on his lawn if he was not paid $100 million. Police determine that the caller was drunk.

Man, age 33, calls police from hotel to report that his mother has sent a poisonous snake to his room to kill him. Officer arrives and finds man with cocaine and a woman not his wife. Man says he called the police by accident.

Newspaper runs erratum note: The bomb reported at the elementary school last week was actually a bong (?a water pipe commonly used for smoking marijuana,? the paper explains helpfully).

Tennis ball on Reece Road determined to be a tennis ball and not a bomb.