Dang It...

Why can't I swear?

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A confession. I have never, not once, not even in situations that made me blisteringly angry--said the F-word. I'm an F-word virgin. I'm pretty sure I can't even type it. Wait. I'll try.

F?.?.?. Fu?.?.?. Fu?.?.?. c?.?.?.

Nope. Not gonna happen. Likewise, I've never made use of the S-word (though I may have typed it once, uncomfortably, in transcribing someone else's speech). Lots of people seem to find the S-word handier than duct tape, but it doesn't tempt me in the least.

There are certain words and phrases that, for some reason, I can bring myself to type, but I have never said. Ass. Dick. Tits. Even butt. I've never pronounced the name of the Butthole Surfers or Beavis and Butt-head. I've never said 'This bites' or 'Up yours.' I've never called a guy a 'prick' even though on one or two occasions it has been screamingly obvious that that was the proper nomenclature.

In the seventh grade, I did utter the B-word. A mean bully girl in Home Ec took a serious dislike to me and challenged me to fight while we were trying to make lemon pancakes. 'You B,' she hissed, only she actually pronounced the word. I hadn't done a thing! I was so shocked that I repeated what she'd said to my friend Diane. Then I blushed for about 10 minutes.



I didn't fight the bully girl, but I resent her to this day for inadvertently tricking me into saying the B-word. If I were ever going to use the B-word again, maybe I'd use it to describe her. But I'm not going to use it. Not likely.

For the record, I'm aware that these admissions make me sound like a prissy miss sissy, wasting energy censoring myself in my sheltered little lemon-pancake fantasy world, and now boring everyone by explaining this pointless eccentricity.



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