"I'm getting a little tired of peanuts," begins Kevin Sampsell of McSweeney's Internet Tendency, a Web offshoot of the satire magazine Timothy McSweeney's Quarterly Concern. "You've seen the full-page ads in USA Today and the infomercials on late-night television, no doubt. I'm sick of it. People walking around with peanuts clicking in their front pockets, bags of swaying peanuts hanging off their bikes. . . enough already!" Sampsell's absurd rant is funny, yet true. What restaurant isn't dumping peanuts on every course from meats to sweets? Sampsell speculates that "Old Peanut Joe" is making a killing on his snack/garnish monopoly and calls for a complete halt to peanut consumption before our country is ruined. "My relatives in Canada," he notes, "are laughing their asses off. Right now. At our expense!"