Loyalty Day 2003


| May 2003


The first annual Loyalty Day has come and gone without so much as a yawn from the mainstream media. Though small communities held Loyalty Day parades in Virginia, California, Wisconsin, and Florida, the rest of America hardly noticed. Perhaps we were too busy operating under the assumption that every day is Loyalty Day. In case you didn?t receive the memo, here?s Bush?s original declaration, plus our own set of liner notes:

LOYALTY DAY, 2003
By the President of the United States of America
A Proclamation

To be an American is not a matter of blood or birth [as these are qualifications reserved exclusively for the presidency]. Our citizens [of non-Arabic descent] are bound by ideals [fallacies] that represent the hope [greed] of all mankind: that all men are created equal [unless protected by Affirmative Action or Title IX] endowed with unalienable rights to life, [as a fetus, but not a felon] liberty [unless you?re an ?enemy combatant? or a ?material witness?] and the pursuit of happiness [shopping and investing in the NASDQ]. On Loyalty Day [the holiday formerly known as International Workers? Day] we reaffirm our allegiance [either you?re with us or you?re against us] to our country [herein known as ?The Corporation?] and resolve to uphold the vision [Patriot Acts I & II] of our Forefathers [herein known as ?The Board?].

Our founding principles have endured [although that mid-term election was a close one ?whew!], guiding our Nation toward progress [albeit backward] and prosperity [tax cuts for the wealthy while the poor must prove Earned Income Eligibility] and allowing the United States [herein known as ?The World?] to be a leader [Fuehrer] among nations of the world. Throughout our history, honorable men and women [the disposable] have demonstrated their loyalty to America by [taking a bomb or bullet for undeserving ingrates, such as myself] making remarkable sacrifices to preserve and protect these [market] values.



Today, [by comparison] America?s men and women in uniform are [disproportionately poor, but earnestly pursuing education and advancement] and protecting our Nation [oil reserves], defending the [piece, er?] peace of the world, and advancing the cause of [Jihad] liberty. The world has seen again the fine character of our Nation [insert laugh track here] through our [no longer citizen-soldier] military as they [operative word being ?they?] fought to protect the innocent and liberate the oppressed in [or by] Operation Iraqi Freedom. We are honored by the service of foreign nationals [illegal immigrants] in our Armed Services whose willingness to risk their lives [but God forbid we grant them work permits] for [low-wage jobs that we refuse to do] a country they cannot yet [and will never] call their own is proof of the loyalty [desperation] this country inspires. Their service and sacrifice are a testament to their love for America [the idea, not the government], and our soldiers? honor on and off the battlefield reaffirms [the New World Order] our Nation?s most deeply held beliefs: that every life counts [your vote, however, doesn?t] and that all humans have an unalienable right to live as free people [provided you pass the background check].

These values must be imparted to each new generation [this being the first ever to expect a lower standard of living than the generation before]. Our children need to know that [abstinence is next to godliness] our Nation is a force for good in the world [implementing the Global Gag Rule], extending hope and freedom to others [by way of pre-emptive strikes]. By learning about America?s [Eurocentric] history, achievements, ideas, and heroes, our young citizens will come to understand even more why freedom is worth protecting [but not preserving].














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