The first annual Loyalty Day has come and gone without so much as a yawn from the mainstream media. Though small communities held Loyalty Day parades in Virginia, California, Wisconsin, and Florida, the rest of America hardly noticed. Perhaps we were too busy operating under the assumption that every day is Loyalty Day. In case you didn?t receive the memo, here?s Bush?s original declaration, plus our own set of liner notes:
LOYALTY DAY, 2003
By the President of the United States of America
To be an American is not a matter of blood or birth [as these are qualifications reserved exclusively for the presidency]. Our citizens [of non-Arabic descent] are bound by ideals [fallacies] that represent the hope [greed] of all mankind: that all men are created equal [unless protected by Affirmative Action or Title IX] endowed with unalienable rights to life, [as a fetus, but not a felon] liberty [unless you?re an ?enemy combatant? or a ?material witness?] and the pursuit of happiness [shopping and investing in the NASDQ]. On Loyalty Day [the holiday formerly known as International Workers? Day] we reaffirm our allegiance [either you?re with us or you?re against us] to our country [herein known as ?The Corporation?] and resolve to uphold the vision [Patriot Acts I & II] of our Forefathers [herein known as ?The Board?].
Our founding principles have endured [although that mid-term election was a close one ?whew!], guiding our Nation toward progress [albeit backward] and prosperity [tax cuts for the wealthy while the poor must prove Earned Income Eligibility] and allowing the United States [herein known as ?The World?] to be a leader [Fuehrer] among nations of the world. Throughout our history, honorable men and women [the disposable] have demonstrated their loyalty to America by [taking a bomb or bullet for undeserving ingrates, such as myself] making remarkable sacrifices to preserve and protect these [market] values.
Today, [by comparison] America?s men and women in uniform are [disproportionately poor, but earnestly pursuing education and advancement] and protecting our Nation [oil reserves], defending the [piece, er?] peace of the world, and advancing the cause of [Jihad] liberty. The world has seen again the fine character of our Nation [insert laugh track here] through our [no longer citizen-soldier] military as they [operative word being ?they?] fought to protect the innocent and liberate the oppressed in [or by] Operation Iraqi Freedom. We are honored by the service of foreign nationals [illegal immigrants] in our Armed Services whose willingness to risk their lives [but God forbid we grant them work permits] for [low-wage jobs that we refuse to do] a country they cannot yet [and will never] call their own is proof of the loyalty [desperation] this country inspires. Their service and sacrifice are a testament to their love for America [the idea, not the government], and our soldiers? honor on and off the battlefield reaffirms [the New World Order] our Nation?s most deeply held beliefs: that every life counts [your vote, however, doesn?t] and that all humans have an unalienable right to live as free people [provided you pass the background check].
These values must be imparted to each new generation [this being the first ever to expect a lower standard of living than the generation before]. Our children need to know that [abstinence is next to godliness] our Nation is a force for good in the world [implementing the Global Gag Rule], extending hope and freedom to others [by way of pre-emptive strikes]. By learning about America?s [Eurocentric] history, achievements, ideas, and heroes, our young citizens will come to understand even more why freedom is worth protecting [but not preserving].
Last September, I announced several initiatives that will help improve students? knowledge of American history [hegemony], increase their civic involvement [obedience], and deepen their love for [materialism] our great country. The We the People initiative [Motto: ?United We Stand.? Forget that ?Divided We Fall? jazz] will encourage [coerce] the teaching of American history and civic education [propaganda] by providing grants [kickbacks] for curriculum development and training seminars. The Our Documents initiative will use the Internet to bring [dis]information about and the text of 100 of America?s most important documents [an anthology compiled and edited by John Ashcroft] from the National Archives to classrooms and communities across the country. These initiatives are important [mandatory], for it is only when our children have an understanding of our past that they will be able to lead the future.
This Loyalty Day, as we express allegiance to our
[Commander-in-Thief] Nation and its founding
[fascist] ideals, we resolve to
ensure that the blessings of liberty [fascism]
endure and extend for generations to come.
The Congress, by Public Law 85-529, as amended, has designated May 1 of each year as ?Loyalty Day,? and I ask [command] all Americans to join me [or suffer the consequences] in this day of celebration and in reaffirming our allegiance to our Nation.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, ?President of the United States of America,? do hereby proclaim May 1, 2003, as Loyalty Day. I call upon [order] all the people of the United States [and its ancillary markets] to join in support of this national [hypocrisy] observance. I also call upon government [sycophants] officials to display the flag of the United States on all government buildings on Loyalty Day.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirtieth day of April, in the year of our Lord two thousand three, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and twenty-seventh.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Read the original Loyalty Day declaration