Pleased to Meet the Facebook Version of You

While the real you is petty and vaguely racist, the Facebook version of you endorses multicultural organizations and believes in life as a shared path.

| January/February 2013

  • Facebook Version Of You
    The wit in your status updates is delightful. The real-life version of you always seemed intent on cornering me into a night of drinking wine after work so I could listen to you go on rather humorlessly.
    Photo By Andrew Walsh

  • Facebook Version Of You

Hats off to your laissez–faire attitude about the beautiful dinner you guys cooked up at the beach this summer. I was cracking up at the joke you made in the caption (“Looks like we’re eating outside AGAIN. Oh, well…”) under the snapshot of the gorgeous lobsters. The potatoes looked amazing fading off into the blur of a shallow focal range that ends at the saturated greens and yellows of herbs, and cornbread, and lemon garnish on the left just below where the sunset creates the lens flare that bounces off your icy bottle of beer.

The wit in your status updates is delightful. The real-life version of you always seemed intent on cornering me into a night of drinking wine after work so I could listen to you go on rather humorlessly about money problems and the usual rash of petty resentments against family and colleagues. But the Facebook version of you is one languid little paragraph of blurted bon mots after another. Like last week when you typed:

Sitting at the car dealer trying to figure out why I need $15,000 worth of optional accessories. But I won’t drive anything less than the new Infiniti… guess I was royalty in a past life :) 

This Facebook status update was a zinger compared to the previous week when your real life status update consisted of drinking a gallon and a half of Rosé at Loco Gordo’s to the refrain of:



I have to find a cheaper gym, I can’t keep spending this much on my hair, Kevin is a dick, I have to find some ways of cutting back, I hate Jan, I’m screwed, I … am … screwed! Face it, we’re all doomed. 

Then you said you were too stressed out to eat your half of the cheese and shrimp stuffed roasted poblano appetizer we ordered. You just kept drinking wine. You said you don’t like Mexicans. Two or three times, I think. You kind of yelled it, actually. At the waiter. Well, and then at the table next to us. And then to nobody in particular; kind of to the ceiling of the restaurant. But I think it was the Rosé talking because the Facebook version of you likes three different multicultural organizations that endorse fair trade and celebrate Hispanic arts and cuisine.

Bridgette Cox-Ukaonu
8/15/2013 3:15:50 PM

yeah according to Instagram, my life is beautiful and wonderful.


Peggy Mayberry
12/29/2012 11:48:18 PM

...and he says, "Oh that wasnt me, that was the vodka posting, silly"...............


mmdelong
12/22/2012 7:16:32 PM

Just sounds like the author needs better friends to me. If you're bothering to hang out with vocal racists after work, you've probably taken a wrong turn somewhere.




Pay Now Save $5!

Utne Summer 2016Want to gain a fresh perspective? Read stories that matter? Feel optimistic about the future? It's all here! Utne Reader offers provocative writing from diverse perspectives, insightful analysis of art and media, down-to-earth news and in-depth coverage of eye-opening issues that affect your life.

Save Even More Money By Paying NOW!

Pay now with a credit card and take advantage of our earth-friendly automatic renewal savings plan. You save an additional $5 and get 4 issues of Utne Reader for only $40.00 (USA only).

Or Bill Me Later and pay just $45 for 4 issues of Utne Reader!




Facebook Instagram Twitter