4 Absent Leo and Tommy, a few murdered white tourists will cause a temporary blip on the radar screen . . . or not.
5 True anarchy sucks. Forget those tie-dyed, dreadlocked white kids in university towns who advocate hemp and “anarchy”—if the real thing ever happens, those assholes will be on the bottom of the food chain.
6 If a rebel commander asks whether you would like to be buried in his country or your own, he might very well be serious and not just testing your resolve.
7 If the rebel commander from #6 sends you along on what turns out to be a kamikaze mission, it could be because the British journalist accompanying you happened to fart during dinner the previous evening, causing said leader and his aides to rise silently and file out of the small mountain hut (a very, very bad sign).
8 It is said that sudden fright causes people to soil themselves. Sustained fright causes increased flatulence: fear-farting. I have seen Afghan mujahedeen run out into a heavy rain of incoming artillery rather than shelter in a small crevice with two fear-farting Western journalists.
9 Do you believe in a personal, loving God who really cares about us mortals down here? Go to a few war zones and famine areas and watch all the innocent children die, then answer this question.
10 On the flip side of #9: Many of the people who have suffered through such hardships show the greatest faith I’ve ever encountered on the planet. Go figure.
11 If some natural phenomenon occurs with supernatural timing and saves your ass from almost certain death and you’re told that Allah just intervened, believe it.
12 Are you rabidly devoted to saving all of the world’s wildlife? Would you be enraged if you saw a guerrilla soldier blow a monkey out of a tree with an M-16? Bugger off. After weeks of living on the run in the jungle, eating nothing but rice, that barbecued monkey leg tasted like filet mignon.
13 Chances are your most vehement detractors have never walked a mile in your war-zone moccasins, or experienced anything more dangerous than a broken lawn chair.
14 Study and understand the different types of weapon systems. Once they spring off the page and are actually firing at you and exploding around you, you will wish you had devoted more effort to that study.
15 If you don’t entirely understand the concept of indirect fire, do not go to a war zone. If you remember only one thing from this article, let this be it.
16 Don’t be too “macho” to take cover. Forget about Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now. If you do that and you’re not a movie star, prepare to eat hot metal.
17 Dead photographers don’t take any more good pictures, and your agent and relatives will be the only ones to profit from the sudden interest in your old stuff.
18 Amoebic dysentery really, truly sucks.
19 No matter how good you think you are at “holding it,” amoebic dysentery always wins.
20 Never wear shorts when you’re afflicted with amoebic dysentery. At least with long pants on, no one will see that telltale bright-red trickle running down your leg until it hits your shoes.
21 While we’re on the subject of shorts, also never wear them when you are riding an Asian elephant. Between the murderous razor-blade hair and the infernal cloud of biting flies that are constantly swarming the poor beast, you will think you are in one of Dante’s circles of hell.
22 Back to war: If you have become adept at dodging unwanted social invitations back home, apply this skill when you are asked along on a kamikaze mission with ill-equipped teenage soldiers who are hopelessly outnumbered.
23 The downside to the advice in #22 is that you generally don’t realize that you’ve tagged along on a kamikaze mission until things truly turn to shit and you can’t get the hell out because you’re pinned down. Now is a good time to refer back to #1.
24 Also: If the soldiers you are accompanying believe that to die a martyr’s death admits them to paradise, while you believe that to die a war photographer’s death probably just hurts a lot, this difference should give you pause for reflection.
25 Always keep in mind the following when you photograph people in war zones and other awful places: You’re there because you want to be—they aren’t.
You can leave—they can’t.
26 And a few more:
Keep up and hump your own gear. People in war zones, believe it or not, have other concerns besides carrying your shit for you and waiting for you to catch up . . .
Keep your sense of humor intact, even if it is a black one . . .
Laugh at yourself . . .
Truly give a damn about the world . . .
Be humble . . .
Peace.
Want to gain a fresh perspective? Read stories that matter? Feel optimistic about the future? It's all here! Utne Reader offers provocative writing from diverse perspectives, insightful analysis of art and media, down-to-earth news and in-depth coverage of eye-opening issues that affect your life.
Sitting here in the Hotel California on New Years Day, I couldn't agree more with Bruce's 26+ points. For those who don't know, Hotel California is where journalists stay at Bagram Air Field (BAF), Afghanistan. I'm embedding with US soldiers to compare-contrast the lives of soldiers in Afghanistan with Iraq (2008), and my 1968-69 experience in Viet Nam (the correct spelling). A few minutes ago, before I read Bruce's article, I talked to the girl (woman) next door. She's a blogger and doesn't want to be photographed because it can cost the lives of those she works with. Perhaps Bruce would be willing to include in his list: technology makes it easier to kill an enemy, and, sometimes you're the enemy.