Obama's Oil Spill Speech Rewritten for Seventh Graders

| 6/18/2010 10:08:04 AM


Yesterday, some of us got a little persnickety about the notion that Obama’s speech on the Deepwater Horizon oil spill/precursor to apocalypse was too linguistically complicated. We should have known, but the blog We Are Respectable Negroes has done a great public service and re-written the speech to be more “grade level appropriate.” Enjoy:


The U.S. is in big trouble right now. People need jobs and more money. We are fighting bad guys who hate us in other countries. Our soldiers are doing a good job killing the bad people.

Now, I want to talk to you about the oil in the ocean down South. On April 20th an oil rig blew up. Too many people were killed. There was a big hole dug deep in the ground by the oil rig people. It started to leak oil out into the water. The water is really deep.

…The oil is like a big monster. It is evil. It is hard to cleanup. The oil is killing fish and birds. People who work on boats in the water can't make money. To fight the monster I told the navy to help. The smart people are going to dig another hole in the ground. With the BP folks they are going to soak up the mess like a big paper towel. I hope that the hole in the ocean will stop leaking in a few weeks.

…The BP people killed the nice people that worked for them. We need to make sure we know why the oil rig blew up. They dug a deep hole in the ground. They didn't even think about plugging it up. Now, we need to make a rule so that does not happen again. No more messes!

…Remember, we are a great country. We have lots of bad things going on now. But, the U.S. always wins. We will soak up the oil. We will kill the bad guys in those other places where they pray to the wrong God and want to blow us up. The economy will get fixed. God bless America.

Source: We Are Respectable Negroes

Image by Tim Morgan, licensed under Creative Commons.

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