Meet the Reviewers of Meet the Spartans

By Staff

Rotten Tomatoes is a movie review aggregator that scores films on a “freshness” scale of 0 to 100 percent. In some cases, as with the recent cinematic catastrophe Meet the Spartans (2 percent freshness), the reviews showcase more comedic ability than the film itself. I’ve compiled some review highlights into a greatest hits recap. Enjoy:

Meet the Spartans isn’t a real movie, so this isn’t a real review, either.1

Yes, crotch-flashing celebutantes and macho gladiator epics are rife for spoofing. It’s just too bad the job has been entrusted to Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the witless, Dumpster-diving duo who wouldn’t know satire if it puked on their faces.When the comedy revolution comes, Friedberg and Seltzer will be the first ones shot.3 The filmmakers have one basic joke–that there’s something a little bit gay about all these buff Spartans–and they work it into the ground, trotting out every dumb homosexual panic joke in recorded history.4

This thing is so utterly lackluster, so without spirit or humor or energy of any kind, that the characters have to tell you what the joke is.

“Oh, look!” they say. “It’s Paris Hilton!” Like that.5

What’s the point of making a parody that’s dumber than the stuff it parodies?6 For example, the film starts with an old man examining an infant while a narrator tells us that in ancient Sparta all the babies were carefully checked for defects. This is a fine setup for a lot of potentially funny sight gags: What might this baby’s “defect” be? Then comes the reveal: It’s a baby Shrek. Why? Because Shrek the Third was recently a popular movie. The baby Shrek says something with a Scottish accent and then pukes all over the old man. Why? Because puke is funny. Aren’t you laughing just thinking about it?7

It’s so bad even Carmen Electra should be embarrassed.8 Electra proves herself a national treasure as our highest-priced whore.9

In their deeply ingrained tradition of something less than mediocrity, Friedberg and Seltzer make their annual locustlike descent on theaters leaving a trail of ruthlessly murdered brain cells in their wake.10

It’s not even a movie. It’s just a thing.11 I’m moving to Europe.12

Erik Helin

(Sources: 1. Sun Media; 2. Detroit News; 3.; 4. Mountain Xpress; 5. Sun Media; 6. Newsday; 7.; 8. Detroit News; 9. Village Voice; 10. Mountain Xpress; 11. Mountain Xpress; 12. Village Voice)

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