Have you noticed? The whole fucking world is looking for a job
right now, here in the midst of all this economic recovery (yeah,
right). The worse the economy gets, the more everybody wants to
grab his or her own special place as an insignificant cog in the
economic machinery and realize that New American Dream: subsistence
wages and a cheap apartment on a bus line.
The odds are ugly. Despite the fact that the media suddenly got
bored with the whole subject (they, after all, have jobs… sort
of), there are still 8 million people officially recognized as
unemployed, and another 5 million that even the government
considers underemployed. Taking into account the flawed methodology
in gathering such statistics, throw in a few million more, then add
all the disgruntled, dissatisfied employed folks desperately trying
to network their way out of the dreadful jobs they’ve got. Add ’em
up and whoa! you’ve got virtually 100 percent of the American
workforce out there playing a nasty, cutthroat game of musical
jobs.
We all know the most important qualifications: age, sex, race,
religion, marital status, political affiliation, sexual
orientation, credit rating, who you know and how you look. And
never you mind the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. No one
gives a shit what color your parachute is.
What the Job Ad Says | What It Means |
Advancement opportunity | Shit job |
Entry level | Really a shit job |
No experience necessary | The mother of all shit jobs |
Administrative assistant | Shit job with a title |
Ground floor opportunity | Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year |
Progressive company | Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday |
Team player | Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities |
Upbeat personality | Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year |
Word processing skills essential | There’s a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future |
Public relations | Receptionist |
Professional appearance important | $20 K/year job that requires a $100 K/year wardrobe |
Pleasant telephone manner | Be the voice of 1-900-SUCK |
Earn up to $300/hour! | Be 1-900-SUCK |
Salary range $24,000 to $32,000 | The salary is $24,000 |
Jeans job! | Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions |
Will train | Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem |
B.A. required, master’s preferred | Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.’s salary |
Civil service | This job was filled from the inside six months ago |
Women & minorities encouraged to apply | White males need not waste the stamp |
Outstanding benefits package | Health insurance |
Tons of variety! | We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them into one job |
Top-notch communication skills | Telemarketing |
Beautiful offices in attractive location | Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting |
Secretary | Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker |
Executive secretary | The most powerful position in any company |
Dedicated | You’re looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement |
Salary commensurate | We’ll pay you whatever the hell we feel like |
Salary negotiable | We’ll take the lowest bidder |
Competitive salary | We’ll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job, and not one penny more |
Competitive starting salary | Ten cents above minimum wage |
Pleasant atmosphere | A staff of pod people |
Professional atmosphere | Zombie pod people |
Fun, creative atmosphere | Pod people from hell |
Dynamic atmosphere | Zombie pod people from hell |
Gal Friday | Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it |
Self-starter | Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means |
From Lumpen (April 1995).
Subscriptions: $30/yr. (12 issues) from 2558 W. Armitage Av.,
Chicago, IL 60647.