Magnitude Motors Presents the All-New Godzilla
SUV,Slate
‘Dangerous. Gigantic. Wasteful. Just what you’re looking for!’
declares Slate’s ad for this fictitious monster SUV,
a hilarious look at everything we love to hate about these suburban
monster-truck wannabes. ‘Exciting features include the ‘Sure-Crush’
collision-attrition system, guaranteed to obliterate even those
measly little first-generation SUVs. Forward battering ram. Onboard
oil refinery. Choice of couch or Barcalounger driver’s seating.’
Special editions include the ‘North Face,’ with ‘sleeping bags
rated to -70 degrees, Coleman stove, climbing pitons, and a choice
of endangered-species bumper stickers;’ and the ‘Victoria’s Secret’
Lovemobile Edition, with ‘dual California king beds, mirrored
floorboards, mood lighting, continuous-loop Marvin Gaye soundtrack,
and Web cam display of catalog models’ dressing room.’ But don’t
miss the warning label, ‘PLEASE NOTE: Vehicle cannot be operated
off-road under any circumstances.’ Given recent reports that
automakers have secretly known for years that SUVs are susceptible
to rollovers, that’s not so farfetched. — Leif
Utne
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