Last Thursday George Bush made a secret visit to Iraq to
announce the launch of a new employment program to put the people
of Iraq ‘Back to Work.’
Under the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein, the ‘Iraqi people did
not have the opportunity to reach their potential’, according to
the U.S. president.? Here is a transcript of his speech to American
troops:
‘My fellow Americans, we realize that the major reason we are
being attacked by the Iraqi people is not because we are an
occupying force trying to steal their oil.? The real reason Iraqis
are attacking us is that they have too much time on their hands.?
That is to say, if they had to work 14 hours days they’d have no
time or energy to be lobbing rockets at our troops.? That’s why we
are going to implement the ‘Shock and Awe’ Job Plan.
First, we will use a strategic Harvard model to determine job
‘opportunities’.? This model worked well in South Central L.A.,
which looks a lot like the heavily bombed parts of Baghdad.
‘Then we will provide training with highly skilled U.S. Marine
Sergeants and Starbucks management.
‘First up in the job field: more employment in pumping oil into
U.S. tankers.? This highly paid job is the key to Iraqi
reconstruction. They give us all of their oil and in return, we
give them a blueprint of how to rebuild their country.? Then they
borrow the money from us to rebuild.? It’s been a highly successful
model that has worked well for Argentina, Poland and Enron.
‘There are so many other opportunities.? For example, you would
think that the dozens of Saddam look-a-likes would be unemployable,
but nothing could be further from the truth.? We have a plan.? Once
they grow back their mustaches (and our intelligence says they all
shaved) then they can get jobs in the new Saddam and Sons Horror
Museum.? It’s easy work.? All they have to do is stand around like
statues and every now and then jump out at Iraqi visitors and
scream, ‘I’m back.’? Should be good for lots of laughs and, of
course, there will be many jobs for ticket takers.
‘Also, there is a great need for part-time people to clean the
sand out of the fax machines in our tanks.?Since we’ll be there for
a long time, this is a job with a future.
‘There will also be a lot more jobs in museums for people to
glue artifacts back together.? This could provide years of
employment for people with no education and no hope.? And the
constant glue sniffing won’t damage their job prospects.
‘And there are many arts and culture jobs.? For example, in the
past, sculptors could only work on Saddam statues. They now have
many more creative opportunities.? And personally I’m hoping one of
them will do a statue of Donald Rumsfeld, saviour of the Middle
East.? Don deserves to be permanently set in concrete.
‘Then there are huge opportunities for entrepreneurs, a word I
will soon be eliminating from my vocabulary since I just heard it
may be French.? Our consultants will show people how to make
T-shirts with catchy phrases like ‘I got bombed in Baghdad’ and
‘They got bombed in Baghdad.’? That’ll be a big hit at U.S.
fraternities, thus keeping Iraqis safe at home with their sewing
machines and away from attacking US soldiers.
?’Of course, there are a lot of jobs for can-do businessmen to
serve the demand for previously banned products.? Ordinary Iraqis
have long been deprived of booze, porn, drugs and gambling
opportunities.?The potential job boom, and the corresponding
addiction counseling series, will give a real boost to their
economy.
‘Then there are barista jobs at the 357 Starbucks to open next
year in Baghdad.? Big Al’s Pork Palace, one of my Texas favorites,
is also scheduled to invade Iraq.? More jobs.? And MTV plans an
Osbournes-style series with the Iraqi Minister of Information’s
family, if we can get him to sign a contract.
‘Did I mention cleaning up rubble??Many people, low skilled
people, will be employed for the rest of their lives.
‘So really, there’s a lot of opportunities for people who want
to work.? And if we can’t find jobs for every Iraqi who wants to
work, maybe we’ll import some to the U.S.? They can replace
immigrant workers from Mexico who, as you know, weren’t on our
side, I think.’
Harvey McKinnon is a Vancouver-based author and former
television producer. He once worked as the story editor on the
Gemini Award-winning comedy series, CODCO.
