In this age of introspection and getting to know the child
within, it seems increasingly critical that we get to know who we
are and what we’re about. Toward that end, I’ve developed a pretty
airtight little exercise to help you answer one of the most crucial
questions to have plagued humankind since The Munsters
went off the air in prime time: Am I a grown-up?
You don’t have to study for this test, there are no essay
questions, and we’re going to sweeten things a bit by starting you
out with 100 points.
1. You’re in Radio Shack and have exactly enough money to buy
batteries for either
(A) your smoke detector or (B) your remote control, but not
enough money for both. Which do you
buy?
If you answered A, you’re Even Steven. That’s what you’re
supposed to do if you’re a grown-up. If you
answered B, knock off 9 points and go back to watching Full
House.
2. Do you have galoshes/rubbers/boots to wear in the snow?
Yes? Your mother would be proud. Take a bow and tack on 8 big
ones. If not, don’t sweat it. That’s why
God invented leather high-tops. If you own rubbers but snicker a
little when you say the word, you get
6, not 8, points and a stern look from our publisher.
3. In the last 12 months have you:
A. Worn the ‘B’ side of your underwear to avoid doing a
wash?
B. Smoked a joint?
C. Purchased a Janet Jackson CD?
Well, all three are going to cost you. A is only a deuce. B is a
four-spot, and C, well, this is where it
gets kind of ugly. If you answered C, you should take off 15
points and then go call a cab–this quiz is
over for you.
4. If you were throwing a party, would you:
A. Have formal invitations printed?
B. Fill in the blanks on those cellophane-packaged invites?
C. Fashion a sign out of a Domino’s Pizza box and nail it to a
telephone pole?
A and B are a dead heat at plus 3 points each. No bonus for the
fancy schmancy preprinted ones, but C
is going to cost you an even dozen.
5. There are three boxes of cereal on your breakfast table and
you have to have a bowl of one
before you can even think about having your coffee. They are A.
Apple Jacks
B. Wheaties C. M?eslix. What’ll it be?
A will run you minus 5. B is even money, and C is 5 on the plus
side.
6. Is there a keg (dead or alive) in your place of
residence?
If you have to think about it, take off 10. If you know the
answer is affirmative, take off 5 and buy your
brewskis over the bar, at a club like the good lord intended. A
‘no’ is a wash.
7. Do you refer to Dana Carvey movies as ‘classics’?
Same points as #6.
8. In the past three years have you: A. Painted your face for a
sporting event?
B. Bungee jumped?
C. Sat in one of those teeny tiny chairs at a parent-teacher
conference?
A and B will cost you 5. C earns you 10.
9. Do you carry jumper cables and a flashlight in your car?
It’s plus or minus 5 points either way. Bonus question: How
’bout that little travel-pak of Kleenex? It’s
worth a fiver.
10. Let’s talk Tupperware.
If you’ve got three usable pieces–with matching lids–plus 10.
No lids? Join the club.
ADD ‘EM UP, FACTORING IN THE 100 YOU STARTED WITH.
If you scored: 140 points or more, you’re a grown-up’s grown-up.
If Ward Cleaver and Donna Reed had a kid together, you’d be it.
110-140 points: You’re what people used to refer to as ‘solid.’ If
you were a dryer, you’d be a Maytag. You’re Steady Eddie (or Steady
Betty). Pat yourself on the back, hop in the minivan, and treat
yourself to some soft-serve at the DQ. But remember–tomorrow’s a
work day!90-110 points: You can go either way–a virtual
switch-hitter in the game of life. Dependable employee by day,
channel-surfing, fast-food-eating, backward-ballcap-wearing zombie
by night. 50-90 points: Not good. I’d let my daughters spend spring
break at the Kennedy compound before I’d let them near you. A
goldfish wouldn’t survive a three-day weekend in your care. Do
not–I repeat, do not–reproduce.Below 50 points: Your name is
Larry and you live in your mother’s basement.
