Lockup Taken Lightly

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Tim White, PhD, LPC, NCC offers advice on family planning and parenting, LGBT issues, disability issues, education and work issues, relationships, ethics and “unusual” social issues. Send questions to Tim for future columns through his website.

Hi Tim,

I’m a woman, 32, and due to a non-violent offense that was the result of youthful stupidity, I spent two years incarcerated from age 25 to 27. I did my time, turned my life around and got a degree, now I have a good job and a fiancée I’ve lived with for the past year. He’s great, no complaints except for maybe a lack of sensitivity. He, like so many other people I know, is hooked on Orange is the New Black, with full-on updates and shared quotes every time we have company. Despite his efforts to recruit me, I have not watched it. I’m sure it is a quality show and all that. But having been in a real prison will kill the enthusiasm for this show really fast. My experience was not witty and thought-provoking; it was traumatic and at times violent. Mostly, it was depressing, day in and day out with no relief. I don’t want to be reminded of it, no matter how awesome the writing happens to be, and I feel like I’ll have to issue the dreaded ultimatum over his fangirling on this show! Or maybe you can give me an alternative?

– Not Laughing About Lock-up

Hi Not Laughing,

I am glad you elaborated on man with a lack of sensitivity; that could have described most of them. I worked in a prison, and it was somewhat like the experience you describe; hilarity did not ensue. I know that Orange is the New Black offers many deep reflections on human behavior which have nothing to do with the culture of incarceration, and they deserve all their accolades, but consider the context. One who suffers from coulrophobia would never be expected to listen to a lengthy recap of Real Clowns of Barnum and Bailey, which hopefully will still only be a harmless joke by the time this reply is posted. Likewise, a victim of a sexual assault would never be expected to listen to lengthy confab on this week’s Law and Order: SVU episode.

Tell your guy directly to take the viewing, and his reviews, to a friend’s house or otherwise indulge in your absence with no exceptions. Let him know that unless he is willing to go deep undercover and prove you wrong, prison is an unpleasant place that belongs in your past. Marriage, as you may or may not know, usually provides one with the occasional “back off, no arguments” pass. You might as well test drive it now to make sure yours works. Your mandate is quite reasonable, so take back your peace of mind.

Walking Distaxter

Hi Tim,

I’m a guy, 30’s, married with a career in finance. I’m not an accountant, but my wife’s parents had tax questions three years ago, and in order to gain favor with them I did their taxes. Due to deductions they were not familiar with, their refund was substantial and they took a great vacation, then we did the same thing the two following years. Of course, they adore me now and we have gotten so close. Did I mention I am NOT an accountant? So, I am doing their taxes again this year and discovered something really horrible. They actually never qualified for those deductions, so those should never have been claimed for the past three years! I have been stalling on their taxes because I don’t want to have to confess that I made a mistake, but how do I tell them without them hating my guts forever? Things were already cool between us before I started doing their returns, now I’m afraid they will disown me. But I will not knowingly commit tax violations. Can I just let sleeping dogs lie and say I’m not able to do their taxes anymore for some bogus reason? Help!

– Walking Distaxter

Hi Distaxter,

Have you dealt with the Internal Revenue Service? I would not label those violations a “sleeping dog,” it is more like a lightly napping, fearless, rage-addicted honey badger with big, sharp teeth and claws that can shred lives to pieces. Please do not compound your error any further by simply tucking in the aforementioned beast and following your gaze in the opposite direction, whistling through your getaway and not imagining your in-laws tripping over it later. The IRS is able to retroactively audit as far back as three to six years, easily uncovering your faux pas. I think you might understand this already. This is one of those family incidents that you probably will not laugh about in the future, but will be exponentially worse if you do not come clean. Your conscience will feel better, and if your value to your in-laws amounts to nothing more than an annual check, then maybe getting some distance back would not be so catastrophic. If they truly cared about you, they will weather the amended returns and eventually acknowledge that one of the reasons you are perfect for their daughter is that you know when to do the right thing.


Hi Tim,

I’m a college guy, 23, living with my girlfriend who is also a student. I’m very happy with her and have no desire to look for anyone or anything else. I mention this because I made a discovery a few weeks ago. My girlfriend has fancy panty hose for job interviews, church or whatever, but never ever wears them anywhere else so they sit in the bottom of her panty drawer. She was out of town, I was putting laundry away and got curious, tried on a pair and I have very hairy legs so they just tingled for a long time while I finished the housework. I got very aroused from this constant tingling, took care of that but also got a great idea. I work too, so I was dog tired one day, wore them to class and the tingling kept me awake for the whole class with only one coffee! Okay, it kept me aroused too so now when I get home I change, hide the hose and we have some great adventures for hours. I don’t even wear underwear anymore. Between the epic sex and actually staying awake and mostly alert in class, I would say panty hose have increased my quality of life about 40%. I do not want to wear makeup or women’s clothes, etc. Am I a cross-dresser? I don’t even know what to confess to her but it would be nice if I didn’t have to be in closet anymore. Please advise.

– Hoser

Hi Hoser,

I definitely do not think you are a cross-dresser, although if you change your mind and decide to accessorize then please embrace cross-dressing without shame. I am not even sure your particular taste for tights is unusual at all, since manly men have worn them throughout history up to the present, and even comprise their own market. They are not just for ballet dancers. It may not even be kinky, but I am going to call it a kink anyway because, well, it sounds useful and fun and I want to convey that spirit.

Pantyhose seem to be multipurpose for you, too. You can stay awake in class with less caffeine! I will admit the idea sounds pretty sexy, so your disclosure may be inspiring male readers out there to do some experimentation of their own. Good for you and thanks. If your sex life is half as interesting as we are all imagining it to be right now, I would be shocked if your girlfriend even cares about how you were inspired, and may even want you to keep them on for the show. Go ahead and spill the stockings to your sweetie, walk her through the history of he-hose if need be and then go shopping for some together. I know I am not the only one out here in cyberspace who is now wondering if they still come in an egg.

Editor’s Note: The opinions offered in this blog are the author’s alone. Tim White, and any experts he may consult and/or quote in responses to letters, will never provide medical or psychological advice, diagnoses, treatment, or counseling of any kind. General advice, opinions and suggestions may be offered with no obligation on the part of readers to accept or act upon the content published within this column. Anyone in immediate crisis and/or mental/physical distress should call 911 or related resources of assistance.

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